The Sierra Wrestling All-Stars Thread, CRITICAL Edition

SWA Week in Review 6/12-6/18/2023

I've been getting a lot of requests to talk about the TagFest, but so far I haven't touched it. I know this is hard for people to believe but I do actually love SWA, but I also know well that the tag division has never really been their strength. Even with the new Trios Championships in the mix this year (You're welcome for that again by the way), it just doesn't feel like there'll be enough to really make a whole-ass post about until we've had more than the first round out of the way. But with the TagFest being that main thing going on right now, that doesn't really leave me very fucking much to mash my keyboard at, now, does it? And now I have people in my DMs asking if I'm still watching SWA. Yes, you dipfucks, I'm still watching, there just hasn't been anything to talk about.

But last week was a title match week. Well, that's a little different. When titles're on the line, there's always stuff to talk about. So let's go over this shit chronologically, because it's nice to have some kind of order and structure in this fucked up world we live in.

6/14: Lexi Heart vs. Mieko Suzuyama
Hanami Watanabe must be fuming to see Lexi Heart get this title match over her, based on their respective performances at Aftermath. Sorry, kid. Keep putting in the reps and you'll get there eventually.

Lexi has always been one of those performers that's right on the cusp of greatness. Whether it was in the Masked Ladies tag team with Keilyn Coardes, or on her own, she's always had that sense of viciousness that so many lack that can carry you to the very top, but the results have never quite lined up for her as a singles wrestler. But she looked as good as she's ever looked in this title match, giving the Joshi Champ the kind of fight that would've been right at home on a pay-per-view show. For most of this match, I would've predicted an untimely end to Mieko Suzuyama's reign and a new champion.

But the Miracle Goddess is fucking back, baby. Fans who've been around for a while will remember well Mieko Suzuyama's previous Joshi Championship reign, where she earned the nicknames Joshi Ace and Miracle Goddess for being a wholely unstoppable, relentless wrestling machine who wouldn't stay down no matter how much punishment she absorbed. That side of Mieko seemed to fade a bit since she lost the championship, but it was in full fucking force on this night in particular. And it didn't matter how hard Lexi kicked, how viciously she went after those arm locks, or how many times she dropped Mieko on her head with her signature Lexiplexes, the Joshi Champ seemed completely impervious to harm. Every time it looked like Mieko was down and out, she would come back even stronger, and it genuinely seemed to scare the shit out Lexi, who by the end was reduced to staring in awe and fear at the sheer unstoppable majesty of Mieko at full power. This was a showcase for Mieko in her first defense of this new title reign, and if she keeps putting in performances like this, she might be able to hold the championship for another two years.

The Nerd's Rating: Unstoppable/10

6/16: Javier Valiente and Emi Yamazaki vs. The Divine Imperium
One notable downside of the TagFest is that it means a lot of the best tag-team wrestlers in SWA are tied up in the tournament each year, making it slim pickings for challengers for the Tag-Team Championships. Year after year, we’ve had to get used to seeing a tepid filler defense in this slot, with actual marquee matches being few and far between. This defense was, on paper, no different, with Javier Valiente fresh from leaving Los Diablos and Emi Yamazaki still struggling to find her place in SWA, and the two having never teamed together before.
What we got, though, was the Divine Imperium in full-blown implosion mode. Things have just been getting worse between Akiko Shimizu and Mizuki Yoshinaga since their last defense, and they couldn’t even seem to coordinate tags in this match, let alone get on the same page offensively. The Divine Imperium spent almost all of this match on the back foot, and the nascent team of Valiente and Yamazaki worked their asses off. I came into this match fully ready to dismiss the challengers, and I came out of it angry that they couldn’t quite seal the deal after getting so close.

I’m ready for the Divine Imperium to tumble. Their shit isn’t working anymore, and there’s just no way they can continue to hold it together in the face of the competition, especially once the TagFest is over and the more seasoned teams are freed up to pursue them.

The Nerd’s Rating: Multiple Kinds of Disappointing/10

6/17: Aaron Wolff vs. Ultimo Cielo
I don’t feel like I’ve said this enough times. Fuck Ultimo Cielo. Fuck Ultimo Cielo for the absolute garbage his title reign has been. Fuck Ultimo Cielo for briefly tricking me into thinking he was turning over a new leaf as a fighting champion. Fuck Ultimo Cielo for the complete mockery he’s made of the SWA Openweight Championship, and oh yeah, fuck Ultimo Cielo for this match. At least when he was wrestling Kazuo Saji, Cielo put on the veneer of attempting to have a legitimate match. This match, on the other hand, had so much horseshit in it I thought I’d accidentally switched streams and was watching a UBL show.

Part of me wants to blame SWA management for this. They made the decision to bring the overflowing bucket of festering pustules known as Three of a Kind over for the TagFest. They infected their own product with a LETHAL DOSE of ass cancer. But I feel like that’s selling our champion short. He didn’t copy anybody else, oh no, this was an entirely Ultimo Fucking Cielo brand of unrepentant goatfuckery. He pulled out every trick in the book, from hair pulling, to accusing Aaron Wolff of fucking with his mask, to low blows, to dirty pins, to outright just RUNNING THE FUCK AWAY on the outside, and that’s just the first ten minutes! This heaping pile went THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES.

Credit where it’s due. Aaron Wolff tried his best to salvage this. His hard-nosed, straightforward, shootstyle wrestling was, in many ways, the perfect counter to Cielo’s… whatever the FUCK this was. At times, when Wolff was controlling Cielo on the mat, or laying in strikes, this match threatened to become good. But we were never more than a couple minutes away from yet another serving of dogshit. And once the rest of the Row started to show up? Forget it. I’m not ashamed to say I fucking closed the stream and walked away 25 minutes in. I found out the results on dirtydirtydirtsheet, and I feel like the five minutes I saved probably saved me from having some kind of seizure.

Saji’s right. Ultimo Cielo is shook. He’s falling apart. The time is ripe for someone to come along and end this fucking fecal fiesta of a title reign. I’d even take another Samael run over this.

The Nerd’s Rating: UN FUCKING ACCEPTABLE/10