LUXURIOUS PURPS '21: Trying To Jack Our Jacket Back

Crusher Sato defeats Jumbo Joseph Butt
(We ain’t doing match ratings no more because they is stupid...)
(Also I did all the video effects on the fly and failed to record the time and rating, so there's that.)


Jumbo Joseph’s approach might have been just a tad too jovial and Crusher quickly capitalized on his lack of focus, eventually ending him with a Jackhammer that for some reason took two pin attempts to make stick.

Crusher came at the young rapper with the same strategy that’s served him well in his last several matches, but P.B. Xan proved to be a little too streetwise for him and eventually emerged victorious after following up a floatover DDT with a rib-busting High Fly Flow from the top rope. Now that he’s acquired a dope new coat, P.B. Xan’s gonna hang out with us for a while, popping bottles and spitting hot fire.

PB XAN PUNCHES HIS WAY TO VICTORY.

RONIN gave it his all but his rapping opponent just kept on whacking the crap out of him all match long, and in the end that constant, unrelenting barrage of quick hits to the dome and grill killed him. RONIN finally fell to a particularly rude rendition of a floatover DDT, and PB Xan has held on to his purple swag for at least a little while longer.

Senator Steve Phillips: America is more than a geographic set of boundaries, it is more than a demographic set of numbers. And while America may consist of valiant ideals carried out by imperfect individuals, it is in the striving that America was born, it has been in the struggle that it grew, it was through conflict that it corrected its flaws and it has been through bloody battle that it served as a shining city on a hill, an example to the world, a dream to pursue, a desire to chase, a way to emulate, a spirit to assimilate. America has always been an exceptional land housing an exceptional people, and it is in the fight that America is at its best. Whether it be the fight for independence that we immortalize in fireworks on the Fourth, or the fight within our own borders for freedom and justice, we excel in the fight, and in the fight, we find our own identity.

Senator: But of course, I am not here to expound upon the glory of my beloved nation. No, I am here to announce that I stand ready and willing to enter into the challenge for the Luxurious Purple Jacket. For I cannot tell a lie, I am unable to pass up on such an opportunity, but it is an opportunity that I am ready to face, for America loves a winner and will not tolerate a loser. I do not fear the possibility of failure, for the only thing to fear is fear itself. And fear is no sensation inspired by my opponent, while he is certainly more competent than he is eloquent, I have faced his lot again, and I am confident in my chances. For you, Mr, Xan, are no Lil' Lariato, at least when it comes to your craft on the microphone. But enough of that, should you be ignorant of who you shall face, let me provide a primer. For when you place your splendid jacket on the line, Mr. Xan, you are not simply facing the Chairman of the Senatorial Office. You are not up against a decrepit politician. For when you step into the ring, you will do so with the newsmaking, headline breaking, office taking, world shaking, roughest, toughest, most intelligent son of a gun ever to enter the squared circle, and that, good sir, is nothing...but the truth.