The Sierra Wrestling All-Stars Thread, CRITICAL Edition

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The Angry Wrasslin’ Nerd’s Wrassleviews: SWA Crescendo 2023
All right, you sick fucks, I'm back on Tumblr now, so you can stop blowing up my other social media accounts asking when I'm going to update the blog. Twitter sucks, and so does wrestling, but one of them was way easier for me to quit, because for some reason I still love this stupid sport. So what better way to renew my relationship with this weird-ass hellsite than with a PPV review?

Armel St. Martin, El Halcon Loco Jr, Chad Jackson, Lexi Heart, and Hanami Watanabe vs. El Rey Dorado, Fabio Silva, Javier Valiente, Cerise, and Leticia Fujioka
Is it just me, or is it kinda weird how likeable Los Diablos have gotten over the last few years? Don't get me wrong, I'll hate that pile of dog vomit Fabio motherFUCKING Silva until I'm nothing but a sprinkling of ashes. But in the face of everything that's happened in SWA over the last few years, I just can't summon the outrage for these guys anymore. And as much as I hate to admit it, El Rey Dorado was one of the people who stepped up to defend SWA during Samael's 2019-2020 reign of terror. Maybe I'm getting soft.

You might notice that I'm talking about Los Diablos instead of talking about this match, and that's because this shit was kind of nothing. Not good, not bad, just there. There were brief flashes of something interesting with the developing rivalry between Lexi Heart and Hanami Watanabe causing some friction on their team, but overall this was just yet another SWA low-card multiman match. El Halcon Loco Jr. pins Javier Valiente and we're done.

The Nerd's Rating: It Existed/10

Aaron Wolff, Brandon Kennedy, and Valkyrie Jameson vs. Samael Tangaroa, Tommy Powers, and Olivia Powers
There's the deep sense of disgust and outrage I've been lookin for. Fuck Samael, fuck the Lords of Desolation, fuck Murderer's Row, and FUCK THIS MATCH. Oh and fuck Alex Morgainne for making me sit through this shitshow. Referee Karl Ryder might as well have not existed for all the good he did trying to keep things under control; it was absolute goddamn chaos from the moment the Lords hit the arena and charged the ring instead of waiting for the bell.

The only mercy about this reeking fucking garbage pile of a match is that it was short: Less than ten minutes after it started, Samael and the Power Plant gave up all pretense of trying to have a wrestling match, brought out chairs, and got themselves disqualified breaking them over their opponents' heads. Guess Sammy's still sore about his former Brotherhood members joining Murderer's Row.

The Nerd's Rating: Concussions/10

Matt De Leon, Shannon Fulmar, and Regina Ibanez vs. Adam Nishimura, Brianna Dalton, and Raven Briars
Y'know, if SWA's going to keep doing all these multiman tag matches on their shows, they should follow the lead of other promotions and make some six-man tag belts so these teams have something to fight for. There's a free idea to freshen up your undercards, SWA. You're welcome.

At least this one brought the action. Matt De Leon is still angry about the breakup of the Redeemed, and it shows, because he went after Adam Nishimura like he owed him money. Shannon Fulmar and Brianna Dalton still hate each other's guts ever since the 2021 Queen of SWA tournament. And Regina Ibanez and Raven Briars were clearly both out to make an impression. So there was hate, intensity, and high-impact action galore in this one. To top it off, at just under 15 minutes, it was about the perfect length, too.

The moment of the match was definitely the finish. Brianna and Raven distracted referee Nadine Mathis for Nishimura to bring in a chair, only for fuckboy to walk right into a trio of low blows from the BHB team. By the time Nadine turned back around, all she could see was Nishimura tapping out to Oyes el Rugido del Leon? (Seriously Matt please come up with a shorter finisher name. You're bordering on Zach Sabre Jr levels here). Take that, you massive creep.

The Nerd's Rating: Sweet, Sweet Schadenfreude/10

Aguijon Tachibana vs. Clint Oliver
I don't fuckin' get Clint Oliver. From everything I've heard, this dude was a major fan favorite in Underground Wrestling Club. Despite that, he's aligned with the Lords of Desolation, and when he speaks, he sure seems to be onboard with Samael's latest line of cryptic horseshit about making SWA into the ideal hell. Yet, when he gets in the ring and lets his wrestling speak for him, we get great goddamn matches like this.

This match was a fast-paced, high-flying, blink-and-you'll-miss-everything affair between two ridiculosly agile dudes who put everything on the line for the Aftermath Championship. If you're a big fan of the junior heavyweight style, this here's your match of the night. Clint Oliver's shooting star press remains a thing of breathtaking beauty. But don't get carried away thinking that high flying was all this match had. Even if you aren't a big junior heavyweight fan, this match might well be your MotN. The hate between Samael and Los Diablos goes back a long time, and judging by this match, that hate definitely carries over to the members of Lords of Desolation. These guys rocked each other with every shot, and they're going to be feeling it into next week.

Unfortunately for Clint, he got way too focused on trying to finish the match with the Black Arrow. Aguijon Tachibana was more ready to take any opportunity he could to win, and Clint's repeated Black Arrow attempts made him predictable to counter. One poison rana into a buzzsaw kick later, we have a new Aftermath Champion.

The Nerd's Rating: Rules Ass/10

High Fly Heroes NEXT vs. The Divine Imperium
Stop me if you've heard this one: SWA's tag-team championships don't exactly have the best history. The division has been marred over the years by spotty, inconsistent investment on the part of management, leading to a chicken-or-the-egg problem of lack of teams and lack of fan interest. This was only exacerbated over the course of the last couple years, with DEFCON-1, Havoc Theory, and Tiger & Lion all departing for Underground Wrestling Club. Yet paradoxically, this has been a great period for tag-team wrestling in SWA, with a strong core division based around Miracle Hearts, and more recently, The Divine Imperium.

Yeah. The Divine Imperium. I should hate these women. Akiko Shimizu in particular is basically a co-founder of Lords of Desolation, as acknowledged by none other than the Grand High Shithead himself, Samael. After the entire four year bowel movement that was the Brotherhood of Fallen Angels, fans would be forgiven for reflexively wanting any wrestler who even vaguely associates themselves with Samael to die in a fire. But it's hard to hate champions who are this fun to watch. Watching Akiko Shimizu and Mizuki Yoshinaga in the ring over the last six months has been like watching one of those buddy cop movies where two people who can't stand each other are forced to work together, and slowly learn how to be an effective team. Y'know, except without the part where they ever stop fucking hating each other.

This match was no exception. The personal dysfunction between the two members of the Divine Imperium was matched only by how weirdly well they work together as a team in spite of it all. Watching Mizuki kick Akiko in the head to get her out of submission holds and pinning predicaments will never stop being hilarious. High Fly Heroes NEXT got very close to taking the championships a few times throughout this match, but at the end of the day, the SWA Tag-Team Champions retained through a mix of wrestling skill and personal animosity towards both their opponents and each other.

The Nerd's Rating: LMAO/10

Tigress Faridah vs. Gabriela Espinosa
Y'know, Gabby used to be a member of the Brotherhood of Fallen Angels. For years, she watched on with apparent glee as Samael did awful fucking things to people. She broke every rule imaginable, and did some truly heinous shit herself in her attempts to unseat Mieko Suzuyama during Mieko's dominant two-year reign with the joshi title. It would seem clear, based on that time, that Gabriela Espinosa is either a traitorous, backstabbing bitch, or a stone-cold fucking psychopath.

How times have changed! Ever since the breakup of the Brotherhood, Gabriela has turned over a new leaf (...ish, we'll get to that later), becoming one of the most consistent performers on the joshi roster. Not only that, but it took the breakup of the Brotherhood for Gabriela to finally lift the gold. This is hardly the only case of this. Turns out Samael was actually holding back the success of a lot of members of the Brotherhood with his horseshit.

Now, if only they could do something about the cheating. That's right, our girl went right from emulating one jackass faction leader to the next, and is now cheating just because she can even when she has her opponent beaten already. Just like our ol' pal El Rey Dorado. From putting her feet on the ropes for extra leverage to grabbing a handful of tights, Gabriela has mastered every way of getting the dirty pin, often after already hitting the goddamn Espinosa Driver. And tonight, it was a full moon in the arena when Gabriela pulled Tigress Faridah's pants down to score the shock rollup. Great match. Disgraceful fucking buffalo turd of an ending.

Okay, I guess I do still have some outrage left for Los Diablos.

The Nerd's Rating: God, WHY?/10

Carlos Ortega-Reyes vs. Ultimo Cielo
Remember early 2020? Loaded question, I know, but I'm talking about SWA here. It seemed like our long nightmare was over. Samael was out on his ass, and Paul Lambert was SWA Openweight Champion. The Vanguard were in, and the Brotherhood of Fallen Angels were finally fucking out. Paul made a promise to us, the fans, that he would be a fighting champion and we would see great title defenses from him. It seemed like the beginning of a new golden age for SWA and the Openweight Championship.

How I miss those more optimistic times.

We only ever actually got one of those promised great title defenses from Paul Lambert before N-Trio decided to take an upper decker on SWA with the introduction of Murderer's Row. Ever since then, this pea-testicled pack of fucking macaque's assholes have been ruining the prestige of the championship for going on two years. Throw Lords of Desolation back into the mix, and you've got a recipe for puke stew with diarrhea sauce.

Which is why it is with some degree of surprise that I must report to you that this match absolutely fucking rocked ass! Defying expectations, Ultimo Cielo and Carlos Ortega-Reyes asked their faction mates to go to the back and just proceeded to smash each other's faces in all across the building. Referee Toby Russell did what he does best and didn't do any goddamn officiating whatsoever, letting this absolute symphony of unrestrained violence go completely unchecked, and only intervening to count the final fall.

So credit where credit is due. Ultimo Cielo and Carlos Ortega-Reyes are sociopathic assholes that I hope I never meet up close, but both of them proved themsleves in a big way in this match, and I honestly wouldn't mind seeing more. The image of Ultimo Cielo caught in the STG, his mask hanging in shreds from his bloodied face, is going to stay with me for a long time. So is the image of him standing triumphant with the Championship after a successful defense, the blood still gushing down his mostly-unmasked face. If every Ultimo Cielo title defense was of this quality, I wouldn't hate the prick so much.

The Nerd's Rating: FUCKIN AWESOME/10