OHPW: Old Hell Pro Wrestling - Business May Die

Week 70: List of Misdeeds

On one hand I feel sorry for Plumeria having to go against someone as dominant as Dash has been since his transformation to godhood, since he's only there because I hate him so much that I don't really need much of an excuse to put him in the Jabroni Royale for the millionth time. Ah well.

Last week was Sexton's last Young Devil match in OHPW, this week will be Tara's. With the Bunny Title gone and VACANT's Open Challenge happening more rarely now we have more time to actually give people singles matches. We even got some of our Main Eventers just having matches here, Check out Freddie in the four-way, Flamander standing in the way of ASS as she tries to add him to her list of Bosses she's beaten. And Maya is up against Pantha! Curious to see how that'll go. And finally, in our main event, we got SoS make an attempt at winning the Legion Tag Titles from Pineapple Pizza


Scene:

#1 Jabroni Royale Deathmatch
Plumeria ("c") vs. Dash Rendar


#2 Singles Match
Tara McFly vs. Nawt A Robutt


#3 Singles Match
Super Samio vs. Weeb Weaver


#4 Four-Way
Josef Dub vs. Undeddie Guerrero vs. Freddie Hope vs. Team Skull Grunt Blue


#5 Singles Match
Arcade Legend ASS vs. Hellranger Flamander


#6 Singles Match
Maya Northwind vs. Pantha


#7 Legion Tag Championship
School of Slam vs. Pineapple Pizza (c)

Week 71: To the Slaughter
As we near FUCK DA POLICE we try to set the matches for said show into stone. Criminal Sanity team up for the first time in a long time against The Fun Gang to see who gets to face the School of Slam next week. Meanwhile, Pantha and Flamander have a rematch. Their last bout was quite a while ago. Episode 12, in fact. We're on 71 now, holy fuck. Whoever wins will move on to face Grace for the Hellweight Title. If Pantha wins she will get her chance to recapture the big one, if Flamander wins he'll get a RUBBAH MATCH! against Grace, who defeated him in the finals of the Tournament that got her her title match in the first place.

Vacation Skeleton and Dash Rendar are also nowhere to be seen on this card, perhaps this means the time has finally come? What could possibly go wrong to prevent the fated showdown between the two to finally occur? The episode Title is To the Slaughter and so far my episode titles have never lied [citation needed]. I wonder who could be brought, to the slaughter?

The full card is below:

#1 Jabroni Royale Deathmatch
Plumeria ("c") vs. Josef Dub


#2 Singles Match
Hank Muscles vs. Palpatine


Scene:

#3 Tornado Tag Match
Space Wizards vs. The Union (Angus and N-T Punk)


#4 Singles Match
Maya Northwind vs. Great Maharaja


#5 Legion Tag No. 1 Contender Match
Criminal Sanity (EGO and Mimic) vs. The Fun Gang (DCB and Nawt A Robutt)


Scene:

#6 Hellweight No. 1 Contender Match
Pantha vs. Flamander


#7 Seven Deadly Pins
Kelsey Slaughter vs. Agnes Paragon vs. Harmony Gray vs. Lemuel Post vs. Haz Matt vs. Team Skull Grunt Pink vs. Hobo One Kevodki vs. Harley Havik

Week 72: FUCK THE POLICE
It's what now? Our eighteenth PPV? What am I doing with my life? Oh, right!



In the spirit of this PPV encourage you to check out itch.io's bundle for racial justice and equality. More games than you'll ever play for a cause worth staying angry about.

Now to the show:

Fomore is ready to use the ACAB on Apollo. Apollo's not a cop, to be clear! But he does report people to the mods.
We got Family Man and Steve Dirt teaming up for the first time on screen against Criminal Sanity. Due to the Pokeymanz Cvrse that Family Man is currently holding it's automatically No DQ Falls Count Anywhere.
We also have the ultimate blood feud of Mina Park and Anna May (they both have anime faces, that's why they are feuding, or not? I think they just wanna cause some mayhem.)
The Fung Gang challenge for the Legion Tag titles against School of Slam. Will they finally achieve a canonical title reign? Or are the cursed to be a part of IGgy's distinct but also nonsensical lineage.
Last week Pig Destroyer appeared to destroy Inspector Jane but was then challenged by Cock Thunder. It's just too big lads throwing each other around.
Finally! The match Dash Rendar wanted all this time! Vacation Skeleton vs. the Darkweight Champ! Yup, exactly what Dash wanted and nothing else.
But then it's finally time for the big one. By defeating Pantha Hellranger Flamander earned the right to face Grace Thoruson for the Hellweight Title despite having lost to her in the tournament that got her the title shot in the first place. This may become Flamander's first reign or cement Grace's if she can defeat this all-time great for the second time in a row.

The full card is, as always, below:

#1 Jabroni Royale Deathmatch
Plumeria ("c") vs. Agnes Paragon


Scene:

#2 Seven Deadly Pins
Ryu vs. Manic Misanthrope vs. Boob Marley vs. Danny V5 vs. Lea Lionheart vs. Florida Man vs. Cock Lightning vs. Team Skull Grunt Pink (c)


#3 Singles Match
Fomore vs. Apollo


#4 Tag Team Match
Family Man & Steve Dirt vs. Criminal Sanity (Undeddie & Shakedown)


#5 Landmine Deathmatch
Mina Park vs. Anna May


#6 Legion Tag Championships
The Fun Gang (DCB and N. A. Robutt) vs. School of Slam (c)


#7 Singles Match
Pig Destroyer vs. Cock Thunder


#8 Underworld Darkweight Championship
Vacation Skeleton vs. Spitbal (c)


#9 Infernal Hellweight Championship
Hellranger Flamander vs. Grace Thoruson (c)

I think it's safe to say that Fuck the Police was a huge success. Not only was the show itself fun but we also raised 100 Euros for Black Lives Matter Aid Funds. Which I matched, so it's more like 200 Euros. Big thanks to everyone who donated, spread the world or simply watched and enjoyed.

I don't think anyone is doubting that I actually donated the money so here is a certificate.

Well, there goes my luxury budget for the month... but honestly? This is more important.

220 Dollars amounts to very slightly less than 200 Euros, I didn't properly convert it, but I like to think that this has been made up by what I gave for itch.io's Bundle for Racial Justice and Equality which by the way, is still a thing you can get as of right now.

I stayed clear of running fundraisers so far because I felt that a lot of people respond to stuff like this with cynicism, alleging that someone just wants to look good by doing something and so on. I've seen it happen. There's also the fact that I'm pretty small fry and wasn't confident in actually raising any meaningful amount. I don't normally like to use my show as a political platform either (which isn't to say OHPW is apolitical, nothing is) but in times like these, I think it's important to have a stance and represent it. The protests sparked by centuries of oppression going on right now may end up being one of the most important events of our lifetime, after all. And I'm glad we reached our goal here.

As for the show itself? I'm really happy with how it turned out. One thing that was immediately different (aside from the giant progress bar for our fundraiser, gotta keep that front and center) was the absence of the match timer. Which I had to mod out myself using the Unity Asset Bundle Extractor to replace the in-game files with completely blank versions. Weirdly, the numbers and the colon were in two different archives. This is something I wanted to do for a while. And there's a mod that removes the entire UI, but that, unfortunately, includes the pinfall-, count-out and down-count numbers which I want to keep. Essentially I felt the timer got brought up too much in matches, especially if they went long. I also think not knowing exactly how long a match is until the actual post-match screen reveals it makes us judge the match less on that and more on what it actually is. I think it helped. There was no "It's short/long BUT fun" and more "It's short/long AND fun"

The following info has already been shared in the discord but it is stuff that would have normally gone on Patreon if I still maintained that. First, All the Young Devils are on excursion now. And when they come back their movesets and behaviour will be informed by who they faced. However, they are all different people, so they might take a lesson learned from facing someone and interpret it differently than one of the others did. There's also the X-Factor of them going somewhere and learning there. Here's who they faced before taking off into the world.

Hank Muscles:
Weeb Weaver
Manic Misanthrope
Palpatine

Tara McFly:
Harley Havik
Grace Thoruson
Nawt a Robutt

Sexton Thicc:
(Palpatine) (happened during the 4 on 4 tag match in Episode 36)
Vacation Skeleton
Steve Dirt

Additionally, each of them named a favorite wrestler way back on Episode 36 when they first showed up. For Hank it's none other than Freddie Hope who trained all three of the Young Devils. Tara is a fan of Kushida, though she believed Back in the Future was a fictional movie for a long time. And Sexton admired Rikishi's willingness to use his ass for the good of mankind but also 1-2-3 kids sheer heart. I have not actually worked on anyone's return-persona yet. But I have a solid idea regarding some of them.

Up next is the fact that we have a bit of a roster problem. We had 77 people but I cut it down. Essentially I removed some characters by people who no longer seem to follow the shows (But, c'mon, I can never remove Vacation Skeleton.) There were also some characters that I wouldn't describe as original. Such as Mr. Shakedown for example, that I'll reserve the right to keep some of those. There's also characters I put a lot of myself into, such as Fomore who underwent quite the change since their original debut. I'll never claim ownership of the character or the concept but I'll keep people like this as well. That said... I actually lowered the roster to 65 people. Oh, plus the 3 Young Devils. And oh... there's Pig Destroyer who I only wanted to use for the one match, but it was so good I decided to keep him. That puts us to... oh, nice.

I'll also take some time to talk about my favorite mod and how I used it in this episode. Extended Movelists. It's a versatile tool that, in simple terms, allows people to give wrestlers more moves than there are moveslots (by putting multiple moves in one slot). Most people use this for variety. To have maybe one punch and then one slightly different punch. Or a move variation. Such as having a powerbomb and a tiger bomb in the same slot. However, I use it mainly to add storytelling to matches. The outcomes still are not predetermined but I see nothing wrong to nudge the actors in a match a certain way. Here's what I did to Flamander. I'll spoiler it because we're "shooting" here and this is behind the scenes info that, if this were real wrestling, would be reported by them "dirtsheets"



Now, as you can tell this did not come to pass. Had Flamander won the match it might not even necessarily have happened that way. I still find it important to make things happen as organically as possible so I'll never force a specific finish like this. But if it had happened it would have been a nice bit of storytelling.

Oh boy, this post is getting rather long. But there's one more thing. I added the last three matches on the card to my highlights.

Pig Destroyer vs. Thunder - Wow, I never thought it'd go that long. I'll be honest, Pig Destroyer was supposed to be a one-time special attraction for this match specifically, which is why I tested matches to see who he meshed with. Thunder was the choice here, but I didn't know it'd pay off like this. It went stupid long and somehow didn't get boring. I think Pig Destroyer might be sticking around after all. In terms of wrestling, this made both winner and loser look strong too.

Vacation Skeleton vs. Spitbal - It's all the finish baybee! That's what elevates it, despite a lack of Spring Break and Going on Vacation this is the quintessential VS match because they won a title match... via count-out... again! Which means they don't win the title... again. At this point, it's gotta be on purpose.

Flamander vs. Grace - Grace had it a bit rough. She started out actually losing a lot and then during the Hellfire Tournament 2020 suddenly beat everybody, beat high profile opponents too, beat Flamander to win it. Then moved on to defeat her best Friend for the Hellweight Title, her first defense was against Suzan Blades, the inaugural Hellweight champ and one of the strongest human beings in OHPW. And now comes Flamander again, a legend in his own right, though he never held the title. Grace beating Flamander again proves beyond doubt that none of this was a fluke and this is where she belongs. This also built on their previous match. Somewhat. Grace kept working Flamander's leg but he was having none of it, even briefly targeting her legs. But in the end, it turned into a slam fest and we finished with the Saving Grace.
Also, Grace is currently on a 12 Match winning streak and hasn't lost a match this year at all. To put it into perspective, in the grand scheme of things she has 18 wins and 17 losses with a 51.43% win rate.

As said, I'll be retrofitting previous update posts with the former Patreon extra posts. There isn't one for some episodes and I stopped doing them for some time (now they are more of a when I feel it kind of deal.) but there's a lot of stuff I wrote over the runtime of OHPW. It was all written at the time, though. Maybe I'll edit in corrections (without altering the original) where it turns out I was wrong or something. I dunno.

Week 73: Nice Guy
Whew, last week was something on multiple levels. Let's see if we can return to normal after that.
Well, maybe. We got Hayley who's been in the queue for Jabroni for a while now, unfortunately. I don't feel it's her fault but the numbers don't lie and they spell disaster for her. Well, they spell greater disaster for Plumeria, but we'll see what that means. Chances are they'll both explode.

Due to a change in how I'm used at work I likely will run shows an hour earlier than usual soon. That means the original LPFWA timeslot vintage 2015 is coming back. Better for some, worse for others, I reckon. But definitely less of a headache for me. This week, though, will still be at 22:00 GMT, the exact time in your timezone you can see, as usual, following the link above.

Also: The roster has been trimmed down a bit, but there will be new debuts coming soon too. Just to make sure our roster doesn't shrink to a reasonable size or anything.

Let's see where this new cycle takes us. The match card, as always, is below:

#1 Jabroni Royale Deathmatch
Well, it's an 8 match losing streak vs. a 5 match losing streak, that's why.
Plumeria ("c") vs. Hayley Simmons


#2 Singles Match
I like it when the small wrestler goes against the big wrestler.
Maya Northwind vs. Suman


#3 Tag Team Match
I don't know how many parts of FOB are dragons. But maybe we can bring it up to 2 total.
1 1/2 Dragons vs. Fallout Boys


Scene:

#4 Singles Match
There's no story here, these two just look like they should fight.
Guzma vs. Midas Minoson


#5 Singles Match
Will Kayu prove herself against the dead ace? Or will he cut her down too? (Get it? His finisher is a cutter! And a cutter generally takes someone down - cut her down... ha!)
Kayu Zakisaka vs. Koji Kojinaka


#6 Singles Match
Hahaha, get fucked Angus!
Angus McMutton vs. Ricc 2 Thicc


#7 Seven Deadly Pins
We established that Manic Sucks at everything but singles matches, yet he won the 7DP, the title always fought for in an 8-way battle royal. The hardest title to earn, and even harder to keep. Let's see if he can stay the Deadliest Pinner.
Malfest Goat-Monster vs. Palpatine vs. Doctor Mutant vs. Arcade Legend ASS vs. Pig Destroyer vs. Jan Itor vs. Super Samio vs. Manic Misanthrope (c)

Week 74: Promise of a Lifetime
Time for more wrasslin'
The matches are below. Ricc will destroy Plumeria (probably) and both Suzan and Harmony, former champs, are in Action. There's also a new skeleton in town and Kayu may finally be able to prove that she's able to follow her promise to become a champion one day. But if she makes it will she stop there?

#1 Jabroni Royale Deathmatch
If you got beaten by Angus you get to beat Plumeria
Plumeria ("c") vs. Ricc 2 Thicc


#2 Singles Match
Possibly the most metal match we had yet (Both blades and slaughter are very metal concepts, y'know)
Suzan Blades vs. Kelsey Slaughter


#3 Tag Team Match
Maybe WNA think putting ice cream into beer is magic, and thus are against it
Wizards Not Allowed vs. Real Beer Float


#4 Singles Match
Former Champ against the guy who loses pants on way to the ring sometimes. Who will win?
Harmony Gray vs. Hobo One Kevodki


Scene:

#5 Four-Way First Fall
A new skeleton is in town and they get three opponents right away.
Pine Appel vs. Mimic vs. Skullistair vs. Josef Dub


#6 Singles Match
As different as these two may be, their styles are remarkably similar. Just one has a very large head, the other is made of rock.
EGO vs. Lea Lionheart


#7 Underworld Darkweight Championship
Could this be? The moment Kayu rises? Or nah? We'll see!
Kayu Zakisaka vs. Spitbal (c)