Oh, so Root of the Problem and El Menton think they can just waltz right into the lounge for my tag team challenge and possibly earn some sort of purple jacket consideration through their efforts? That's just silly... SILLY ENOUGH TO WARRANT SERIOUS CONSIDERATION.
Alright already, you guys are in! Your opponents remain a surprise (even to me) but I promise that if you win this impromptu tag team match, there will be some sort of purple jacket ramifications for that.
Now that I've found our special guest tag team for the evening, CHALLENGES ARE CLOSED IN EVERY WHICH WAY.
My sincerest apologies for not getting Episode #12 up sooner. I was waiting for my excruciatingly slow upload speeds to work their magic and get the matches onto YouTube... and then I fell asleep. Whoopsies.
It should be fairly darn obvious what the recipient of this reward receives. However, as with all things LPJ there are some other quirks and caveats to it. It isn't as simple as just "you've earned the right to challenge for the jacket" since everyone everywhere already has that right. This I.O.U. buys you a couple different ways to attack the jacket, which I shall discuss in detail in a future post.
El Menton and Root of the Problem defeat Tha 2 in Da Pink via KO on Chubby Bunny due to a killer chair shot by El Menton 29:43 95%
Wowzers! That was quite the confrontation for LPJ's very first proper two-on-two tag match! Spectacular action all-around and quite a lot of amusing antics from the two pink-attired gentlemen, but the other guys had purple both on their pantaloons and on their minds and made the most of this opportunity to seize control of the coveted I.O.U.
After raising their wrists in victory, the referee presented El Menton and Root of the Problem with The Purple Post-it Note but both gentlemen snatched for it at precisely the same moment, tearing it in two. While they both stared at each other with concerned expressions, wondering if this wasn't some sort of bad omen, the referee retrieved a roll of Scotch tape and reunited the two halves of the I.O.U. and all was right in the world again.
Mr. Moonsault defeats Brick with a moonsault (duh!) 22:23 78% (TO HELL WITH THAT, IT WAS A 100% IN OUR HEARTS)
YOUR WINNER, AND OUR NEW JACKETMAN... Mr. MOONSAULT!
What a war! We saw quite a lot of fierce fighting on the outside between these two competitors, but in the end the defending champion found himself just a little bit too gassed to find a way to finish, and Mr. Moonsault did the thing we've all come to expect of him: he moonsaulted onto that mofo! That's four consecutive episodes with a jacket swap now! LPJ began with a long title run by Bradley Banks in which we wondered if anyone else would ever even wear the jacket at all, and now I'm starting to think we may never again see someone hold the coat for longer than 24 hours! Well, if anyone can do it, it's probably Mr. Moonsault. All hail the new jacketman!
Dudes and dudettes, the hour is upon us. CHALLENGES... BE...
"Ya know somethin', Jimmy Stardust has been all around the world, from the shores of Argentina to the Halls of Korakuen. I've won belts and I've won trophies, I've won leagues and I've won tournaments, but I've never won a purple jacket. So count me in, Jack!"
So Jimmy Stardust thinks that having been to Argentina before somehow prepares him to fight on our show. Well, you know what? Argentina is a crazy place full of incredibly attractive people... SO IT'S PRETTY MUCH EXACTLY LIKE LUXURIOUS PURPS. Your resume checks out to me, Jimmy! YOUR CHALLENGE HA SIDO ACEPTADO.
When Episode #13 hits the airwaves, our next Purple Jacket Match shall be...
As I’m sure most/many/some/a small handful of you are aware, on last night’s show one lucky tag team won a highly mysterious, super-duper jagged-ass clipart post-it note with a not particularly cryptic message scrawled across it. To refresh everyone’s memory, it looked a little something like this… or rather, it looked exactly like this because it’s the same goddamn image:
But like I said, it’s not quite so straightforward as “you get a purple jacket match now” because that would be so similar to our ordinary, run-of-the-mill challenges that there’s just no tension to it. Not pictured in the photograph above is the extraordinary amount of fine print squeezed onto the back of that sticky note. There are a few different ways in which this I.O.U. can be used, all needlessly complicated because wrestling. I’ve tried to make it so that the more patient its owner is about cashing in the I.O.U., the greater the reward. Since I intend on turning I.O.U.s into A Semi-Regular Thing we do here on LUXURIOUS PURPS, I’ll lay this all out in excruciating detail today. Here’s the dilly:
THE CONVOLUTED WAYS IN WHICH THE I.O.U. CAN BE REDEEMED
Firstly, the impatient option. It’s simple, really: You are allowed to place a challenge for the purple jacket AFTER challenges have been closed, and cut ahead of the current challenger, but you can only put up one member of your tag team and the other will simply serve as a distracting second. Whoever wins the ensuing match will then face the original challenger who fell victim to being cut in line, on the very next show. Since this introduces the possible problem of the I.O.U. holder inadvertently challenging after I've recorded the match, I ask that anyone trying to use 'Cutsies' does so before about 7 PM EST on any night I'm expected to post a match result. Perhaps send me a PM as soon as you decide you wanna cut someone, and do the RP afterward. We'll play it by ear and see what happens.
Very similar to ‘Cutsies’, except nobody will know that one of your wrestlers has taken the original challenger’s place until match time, and I will write up a storyline reason for the switch (i.e. the challenger got locked in a broom closet, or their car broke down, or our bartender over-served them). Obviously, for this to remain a secret until the airing of the match, you’ll need to contact me via PM to make arrangements. Like ‘Cutsies’, you can only use one member of your tag team and the original challenger whose spot was stolen will get the next crack at the jacket.
Unlike the options described above, this one can only be busted out during regular open challenge periods, meaning you’ll need to keep an eye on things and promo it up as usual. With this option, the reigning jacket champion will have to endure a best-of-three falls match, alternating between your two tag team partners. By this I mean: Wrestler A of your team will firstly take on the champ, then Wrestler B will take on the champ, and if at that point the score is tied at one match apiece, your Wrestler A will once again take on the champ in the third and final fall. (It’s not set in stone yet, but I would probably use normal match pacing as always in the first two falls, and short match pacing in the final fall. I know I said I wouldn't use match pacing mods, but it seems to make a degree of sense here.)
Named in honor of the way in which we unceremoniously disrobed Bradley Banks back on episode #8, this is another option that can only be invoked during our ordinary open challenge period, and can only be used after the jacket has been successfully defended at least three times by the reigning champion. You’ll need to exercise some patience and pay some attention (or rather, I’ll tip you off) to use it, but it’ll be worth it when you finally do cash in, since this tips things considerably in your guys’ favor. With this option, the reigning champion must take on your team in a 2-on-1 handicap tag elimination match, and we’ll get creative with how your team works out ownership of the jacket... if they win.
And there you have it. Those are the ways in which an I.O.U. can be redeemed on this show. As time goes on, I’d like to add more and more options to this list of ways in which one can use the coveted LPJ I.O.U. so that the bearer has a catalog of choices to consider, so if you have any odd and/or interesting suggestions I am always open to them, just send me a message or catch me on Discord or cash me outside howbowdah.
*As our current champion Mr. Moonsault saunters his way through the lounge on his way to the ring for tonight's purple jacket match, a female figure steps out from the shadows behind him.*
GHOST DADDY PURPS: Who’s that sultry-looking silhouette belong to over there? It looks like Mr. Moonsault might have some sort of secret admirer hanging around at ringside!
*The room rapidly fills with a noxious lavender fragrance.*
GDP: Oh, man. I think we all know that smell well by now. It’s the unmistakable eau de parfum of none other than… Euphrosine Beauchamont!
*The camera cuts to Euphrosine, lurking around ringside and eyeing Mr. Moonsault with a seductive gaze that borders on being too lewd for television.*
GDP: But isn’t she ‘The Palo Alto Playboy’ Bradley Banks’ fiancee? I know last time we saw the two of them, their relationship was going through a bit of a rough patch due to the budding bromance between Bradley and Beef McHugeBulk. Has she come out to Mr. Moonsault’s corner to make Bradley jealous? She seems to really be ogling him intensely; perhaps she isn’t just pretending to be interested in the current purple jacket champion after all. Might she have the hots for him in earnest? I’ll keep monitoring this sexy situation closely!
Mr. Moonsault defeats Jimmy Stardust (unsurprisingly with a moonsault) 14:00 76% (F my ratings)
MR. MOONSAULT RETAINS THE JACKET.
Jiminy jillickers, the fireworks were flying all match long in this one and Jimmy Stardust really gave him hell, but a last-gasp desperation moonsault by the man named for doing those damned things earned Mr. Moonsault the victory and his first successful purple jacket defense; the first one of those we've seen for a while. It's about damn time someone held onto this slippery article of clothing for more than one night.
*The scene opens to a dark room that would otherwise be completely and utterly pitch black, if the woman standing in front of the camera wasn’t wearing clothing completely covered in glow-in-the-dark piping and panelling.*
LA LUCIERNAGA: A lot of you have probably been left in the dark about who exactly I am. Please allow me to illuminate you: I am La Luciernaga - that’s The Firefly for all you dimwits out there - and I have come to shine a light on the pitiful state of the LPJ.
*She suddenly spreads her arms wide open, revealing an elaborate glow-in-the-dark wingsuit for dramatic effect.*
LA LUCIERNAGA: Mr. Moonsault, I’ve been watching you from the shadows and if there’s one thing I can say for certain about you, it’s that - like most basketball players - you are not noteworthily bright. And unfortunately for you, I am. So tonight, when we go whirling around that squared circle with one another, you better be prepared to be blinded by my brilliance, and ultimately see me fly away with that attractive jacket of yours...
If the owner of the purple I.O.U. wishes to invoke the Cutsies clause you have a few hours to do so, probably til about 9 PM EST or later since I'll be distracted by Warrior Pro's Badlands PPV for much of the evening! Hope to see a lot of you in the chat there!
HERE WE GO AGAIN. YOUR WINNER... AND NEW JACKETMASTER... LA LUCIERNAGA!
Well that sure was a wild one. Quite a lot of flying by these two, including an exhilarating exchange of rapidfire top-rope dives right before La Luciernaga stole the win with a sudden, unexpected small package. Sorry Mr. Moonsault, but purple playtime is over.
I've said this so many times now that it's lost all meaning. CHALLENGES ARE...
I've heard a lot of things about this "luxurious purple jacket." And I've seen a lot of people come and go—a lot of people claiming they deserve that coat. WELL, MY NAME IS ORCHID. IT LITERALLY MEANS PURPLE. So it is MOST DEFINITELY appropriate that I, of all people, wear that jacket. And it is even more appropriate that I take that jacket off a fellow luchadora, not only to wow everyone, and prove lucha libre is the best form of wrestling, but I am the best at it. And when I win, you will all Start Wearing Purple along with me."
It's a darn good thing another luchadora like Orchid has challenged La Luciernaga because it just so happens to be FIELD TRIP FRIDAY again, and we are going south of the border to La Guerra de Sangre's training facility RANCHO IMPERIO. How apropos! CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
For your ogling pleasure, here's a sneak peak at tonight's venue:
For the second straight night, La Luciernaga steals a victory with an out-of-nowhere rollup. Great action in this match, including some awesome apron grapples and Orchid landing a few highly improbable moonsaults seemingly from the far side of the ring.
The life of a professional wrestler is a tough one. Now don’t get me wrong, I love what I do but I’d be lying if I said it was easy. 300 days on the road, traveling hundreds if not thousands of miles to bust my cute ass for you fans and to walk away at the end of the night with nothing but a hotdog, a cuppa coffee and 10 bucks in my pocket if I’m lucky. My belly might be full and my caffeine levels high but 10 bucks don’t pay the bills and it certainly don’t cover my shopping sprees. How’s a girl gonna look good when she can’t even afford a new ring jacket?! Lucky for me, Purple compliments my eyes and what girl doesn’t wanna feel Luxurious? Get ready world because I’m coming for that Jacket and I’m gonna look killer doing it!
OH YES! Katie Coons was one of the competitors who really caught my eye during the March Madness tournament, so we are thrilled to have her on the show tonight! Since the LPJ doesn't have a lot of cashflow but we do have about a hundred different lines of credit out to prop up our enterprise, I've arranged for an Uber to pick Katie Coons up for her match this evening. Please meet your driver at the pick-up point. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Tonight's purple jacket matchup:
KATIE COONS vs LA LUCIERNAGA
As is true approximately 50% of the time, challenges are...