OHPW: Old Hell Pro Wrestling - Business May Die

N-T Punk laments his 2-time Jabroni-ship in the form of rhymes. It's just one four line verse but he put all his heart into it.

Punk starts the match off by kicking Suman onto a barbed wire board immediately causing blood! The match went on and blood was everywhere, both wrestlers wre bleeding and then we reached the 15 minute mark and the ring exploded! But oh! Punk is getting up! Suman is our new Jabroni!

Nice little back and forth for the most part until SoS win thanks to Muscle Wizard's Cipher Utaki.

This match was Nero sending a message to Suzan for next week. It didn't last long and Nero was in control for almost the entire match.

Nero urges Suzan to bring her A-Game next week. He announces that his retirement match will be a Landmine Deatmatch and then bellows his catchphrase one last time.

The first time they fought it was a banger match and Pantha won by forcing black unconscious with the Pantha Claw. This time, it was a banger match and Pantha won by forcing black to submit with the Pantha Claw. It's almost the same.

Team Skull is in control early on. SHA-MO are only able to mount a comeback fairly late into the match. Perhaps too late as they could not capture the Title from Team Skull who now have successfully defended the title four times and have a six match winning streak.

Despite Cheese Pietzza interfering Pine Appel could not last longer than ten minutes against VACANT

Oooh, a big one. Freddie got hit with Knightfall three times early on. But he wouldn't go down that easily. They fought for quite some time after that until the decision was made. Knightfall for the fourth time and Freddie stays down for the 1-2-3.

They fought well, but not well enough to end the match before the ring exploded. It'd a draw. Suman retains the dishonor of being the Jabroni.

In classic 7DP tradition The Dashosphere as the champ was the first to be eliminated. Who did last to the end was Kayu Zakisaka who won the match and becomes a two-time deadliest pinner.

Exactly what was adveritised. A technical strikefest ending only when Grace begins viciously targetting Harley's leg, which she uses both to knee opponents in the face and walk. A brutal single-leg Bosto Crab which we sometimes call the Carbonated Footprint.

You'd think a trios match is ripe for running over time but this one surprisingly was shorter than most singles matches. A loss for RBF+IGgy

Fast paced, hard hitting. Apollo defeats Hayley in under 14 minutes but they sure crammed a lot of match in that time.

It's almost the most unlikely ones that manage to deafeat VACANT, however, the clean sweep is usually reserved for those who we do give a chance to defeat VACANT. Nawt a Robutt clean swept VACANT.

As though the aim of this show was the unstopping escalation of the matches this oneout performed what came before. It took a freaking Fisherman Brainbuster from the top rope to make Shakedown stay down for the count.

SoS ended the Grunts' previous run with the Legion Titles but they could not do it again.

Holy moly, this was paced like a 10 minute celebration of big moves but ended up lasting OVER 40 FUCKING MINUTES. In mytests we went 5-15 minutes but now... well. Making things worse, Nero defeats Suzan and retires with the Bunny Title.

Nero Sin gives a small speech for his retirement.

12 Matches - 4 Scenes - 16 Appearances total in 26 Episodes across 189 Days.
That's 0.44 matches per episode and 0.59 Appearances per Episode. Out of all his matches 5 were Title Matches. He competed for the Darkweight Title, the Bunny title and the Seven Deadly Pins Title. He never captured the latter despite two attempts but earned Darkweight from Ryu and the Bunny Title from Suzan. He retired with the Bunny Title.

W/L/D - Win%
7/5/0 - 58.33% for all matches
6/3/0 - 66.67% for Singles matches
Shortest Match: 1:53 (his debut)
Longest Match: 1:17:12
Longest Singles Match: 48:40 (his retirement)
Average Match Time: 23:51
Average Singles Time: 19:45
Cumulative Singles Time: 2:57:43
Average Match Rating: 90.50%
Average Singles Rating: 92:11%
Final Standing in Power Rankings: 10th (9th if you discount VACANT)
Before defeating the top rank, Suzan Blades, he was ranked 16th (15th discounting VACANT)

When I redesigned Nero from what I was originally given I wanted him to be the guy who could beat anybody, but also be beaten by anybody. In my tests he was usually defeated by Suzan. It mostly took less than 15 minutes. Sometimes below 10. To see him bring it this hard for his actual final bout is something I didn't expect

How could they hope to top the previous match? Easy, just never surrender. When I called this show Unstopping I didn't expect them to actual... like... not stop. We almost went to the full hour, going broadway but at 55 minutes the Arachnid's Grip sapped the last of Pantha's strength and the former champion had to surrender after a long arduous bout of legends.

Suman was squashed by the vile Dash Rendar

Anus just can't catch a break. Defeated by a low blow and roll-up.

In a match against DCB even a babyface like Lea comes across as a heel. Especially if she wins so quickly and convincingly. Try not to hold it against her.

This was thought to be a big upset despite the predictions being slightly in favor of EGO. It's through, though. Mathematically Boob should have lost. But he did not.

This is the one I expected to be the most likely match to be a quick one but it was way more competitive than expected. Haz Matt was even in control for a while, before he was powerbombed onto his neck and stayed down for the 3-count.

Majestic Goat-Man performed the ceremonial 20-Count. After that VACANT appeared and announced that they are now the Bunny Champ and in the spirit of the VACANT Open Challenge invited anyone to step in front of him to challenge for the Title. Anna May rose to the challenge, fought well but was defeated.

Palpatine is capable of surprisingly good matches on his own. It's not a shame he lost, however. Spitbal deserves to move on in the Tournament.

The thing with Ricc is that he's very dominant. Until he runs out of breath. It's too bad this match went so long that Ricc had time to run out of breath and recover again. This also marks the second match where someone, in this case Midas, loses due to groin based offense.

Even match! Until Harmony decides it's over with two Arachnid's Grips in a row Apollo fights out of the first but immediately goes unciscious from the pain of the second.

Flamanders return match saw a lot of Hurancanranas. But it ended, like a lot of his matches, with The Snake.

Suman gasses himself out early on and Anus seals the deal with the Tru Bru.

Shock and Horror, Suzan won!

Vacation Skeleton reminisces about the Tournament last year and how much fun they had. Then is reminded that they lost in the first round to Suzan Blades. Then the freaking Dashosphere shows up outta nowhere, straight up jump cuts into the room and reminds Vacation Skeleton of that one-sided grudge that's apparently still going on and how there should be a match for that finally. There's only one problem. For that to happen at the PPV Vacation Skeleton needs to lose either this week or next week.

Shock and Horror, Vacation Sk... wait what? The predictions might make this seem closer than it actually was but mathematically the clear favorite was Koji. Still, Vacation Skeleton pulled through and aims to break hims promise to Dash by winning.

Shock and Horror Grace... uh... okay? Oof, they sure tore it down. Lots of back and forth. The tides only started to clearly shift in one direction when Grace hit the Saving Grace, but kickout, and another, but kickout. Mr. Shakedown doesn't go down that easily but eventually he was locked inside the Koji Clutch and tapped.

Shock and Horror, Malfest Goat-Monster won... huh... wait, this actually is the expected result. We've had two upsets so far.

Sgt. Sprinkles gave it his all but VACANT is just too strong. But the sarge didn't lose for a lack of trying. This is one of the longest VACANT matches we've had.

I'd continue with the shock and horror spiel but at this point you know that anything can happen, apparently. Such as this time when Maya defeated Sadim.

Actually shock and horror this time in a genuine sense. Guzma defeats Ryu with a freaking Lariat and a cocky foot on chest pinfall. The longest reigning Darkweight Champion goes down like this? Guzma better deliver in the next round!

You know what? I'll just say it. This is an upset. ASS defeats the former and longest reigning Hellweight Champion, Pantha

Well, mathematically this was even. According to the predictions Freddie was the clear winner. And Freddie won.

Suman fought like Suman never fought before but Ryu prevailed in the end using the Kaiser Claw

Spitbal really showed us what he got, but Black also showed us where his reputation comes from by defeating Sptibal

Both of these had huge upset wins the previous week. But it was proven that defeating the longest reigning Hellweight Champ trumps beating the longest reigning Darkweight Champ. ASS takes it.

Boob continues to win, paving the way for a Boob vs. ASS final.

Fucking MGM squashing Maya like this. The MGM came outta nowhere, truly, obliterating her.

Briefly renamed Rooster due to twitch's polling system Lightning manages to defeat VACANT... in a count-out victory, making VACANT retain. But a win over VACANT must be such a coveted prize in its own right.

Grace once again fights through from below, miraculously beating Freddie Hope.

Harmony... has Hobo counted out, conserving her energy. Right after Grace had to really fight to move on in the tournament.

It took four Snakes but eventually Ricc remained down for the count.

Vacation Skeleton mentally preps for the match. Dashosphere shows up again and expresses anger over VS winning last week. VS swears it was a mistake but also vows to do it again. A fourth person to accompany The Fun Gang against the potential Dash vs. Fun Tang match will probably appear.

It's Big Match Vacation Skeleton! But it's not enough, not against Suzan Blades.

Suman just can't catch a break. Gets his face eaten by Hobo and then Hobo wins too.

The remaining eight of the tournament share a few thoughts on how they see it going.

Flamander does the thing where he suddenly starts wrecking everything and beats Black.

Probably MOTY for me. Grace targets ASS' leg all the way through the match and ASS retaliates with explosive offense. But it ends when Grace locks in a Modified Single Leg Boston Crab (The one we also call the Carbonated Footprint).

It shouldn't come as much of a shock to hear that Harmony won this one but it almost seemed like this match was going to Boob for a bit when he kept locking in the Sunken Chest and other big moves.

I expected short but intense burst of violence. But it ended in a regular MGM. That is a cutter. It didn't even come outta nowhere. It came from somewhere, clearly, and we all saw it.

Samio makes sure to at least be remembered as the one who gave VACANT hell but in the end that's all she did before VACANT overpowered her.

The Fun Gang come out and Vacation Skeleton introduces their new member: Fomore. Then The Dashes enter and Dashosphere taunts Fomore and demands to face Vacation Skeleton. Fomore denies this and attacks. E1M1 starts playing. Sometimes RNG is great.

This must have been very disappointing for Dash. Not only did he barely touch Vacation Skeleton he also lost.

Grace vs. Malfest Goat-Monster - She somehow pulled through, Grace somehow did it and defeated Goat-Monster. She had to pull out all the stops, though.

Flamander vs. Harmony - I could see this going either way. And it went by fast. Flamander defeats the Hellweight champ. Though, this was no title match, he is now eligible for one.

Well.... fuck... uh... here's the log from the game/mod, I guess.
DivineCoffeeBinge & Supreme Sadim start things off.
Entrant #3: Anus McMutton entered at 2:00.
Entrant #4: Hayley Simmons entered at 4:00.
Entrant #5: EGO entered at 6:00.
ELIMINATION # 1: DivineCoffeeBinge eliminated by Supreme Sadim at 7:35
Entrant #6: Koji Kojinaka entered at 12:00.
Entrant #7: Mina Park entered at 14:00.
ELIMINATION # 2: Mina Park eliminated by Supreme Sadim at 14:02
Entrant #8: Apollo entered at 16:00.
ELIMINATION # 3: Apollo eliminated by Supreme Sadim at 16:02
Entrant #9: Harmony・Gray entered at 17:00.
ELIMINATION # 4: Supreme Sadim eliminated by Anus McMutton at 17:29
Entrant #10: Hobo One Kevodki entered at 18:00.
ELIMINATION # 5: Hayley Simmons eliminated by Harmony・Gray at 18:55
Entrant #11: Arcade Legend ASS entered at 19:00.
Entrant #12: Freddie Hope entered at 20:00.
Entrant #13: Black entered at 21:00.
ELIMINATION # 6: Anus McMutton eliminated by Arcade Legend ASS at 22:31
Entrant #14: Manic・Misanthrope entered at 25:00.
ELIMINATION # 7: EGO eliminated by Manic・Misanthrope at 27:41
ELIMINATION # 8: Hobo One Kevodki eliminated by Arcade Legend ASS at 29:25
Entrant #15: Malfest Goat-Monster entered at 30:00.
ELIMINATION # 9: Harmony・Gray eliminated by Freddie Hope at 31:19
Entrant #16: Vacation Skeleton entered at 32:00.
ELIMINATION # 10: Black eliminated by Vacation Skeleton at 33:05
Entrant #17: Ricc 2 Thicc entered at 34:00.
ELIMINATION # 11: Freddie Hope eliminated by Manic・Misanthrope at 34:32
Entrant #18: Ryu entered at 35:00.
ELIMINATION # 12: Manic・Misanthrope eliminated by Koji Kojinaka at 36:29
Entrant #19: Suzan Blades entered at 37:00.
Entrant #20: Canada Alderman entered at 39:00.
ELIMINATION # 13: Arcade Legend ASS eliminated by Vacation Skeleton at 40:19
ELIMINATION # 14: Koji Kojinaka eliminated by Ricc 2 Thicc at 40:34
ELIMINATION # 15: Ryu eliminated by Malfest Goat-Monster at 40:44
Entrant #21: Sheev Palpatine entered at 43:00.
ELIMINATION # 16: Malfest Goat-Monster eliminated by Ricc 2 Thicc at 43:30
Entrant #22: Pantha entered at 44:00.
Entrant #23: Boob MARLEY entered at 45:00.
Entrant #24: Midas Minoson entered at 46:00.
ELIMINATION # 17: Ricc 2 Thicc eliminated by Canada Alderman at 48:06
Entrant #25: Spitbal entered at 51:00.
ELIMINATION # 18: Vacation Skeleton eliminated by Boob MARLEY at 51:21
ELIMINATION # 19: Sheev Palpatine eliminated by Pantha at 53:06
ELIMINATION # 20: Midas Minoson eliminated by Pantha at 53:39
Entrant #26: Hiroya Egashira entered at 54:00.
ELIMINATION # 21: Canada Alderman eliminated by Boob MARLEY at 54:55
ELIMINATION # 22: Suzan Blades eliminated by Boob MARLEY at 55:22
Entrant #27: Guzma entered at 56:00.
Entrant #28: Matthew Noble entered at 57:00.
ELIMINATION # 23: Pantha eliminated by Guzma at 57:48
ELIMINATION # 24: Matthew Noble eliminated by Guzma at 57:54
Entrant #29: Lea Lionheart entered at 58:00.
ELIMINATION # 25: Boob MARLEY eliminated by Lea Lionheart at 58:35
Entrant #30: Maya Northwind entered at 59:00.
ELIMINATION # 26: Hiroya Egashira eliminated by Spitbal at 64:26
ELIMINATION # 27: Lea Lionheart eliminated by Guzma at 68:33
ELIMINATION # 28: Guzma eliminated by Maya Northwind at 70:20
ELIMINATION # 29: Spitbal eliminated by Maya Northwind at 72:25
Maya Northwind wins!

Grace vs. Flamander. I'm not going to lie. I didn't see Grace make it this far. I thought Freddie would stop her at the latest. When that didn't happen I thought okay, it's gonna be Suzan or Goat. When that didn't come to pass I thought, whatever, anything goes. For Flamander it was almost a foregone conclusion that he'd be here. At the very least he was one of the most likely contenders. So him losing to Grace Thoruson in the finals left me speechless.

Explosion-chan pulled through and defeated both Suman and Midas.

This was almost cool. We got almost simultaneous pinfalls at the end. The Cluwne of the WNA was slightly faster, though.

IGgy commences the ceremonious handing over of a piece of paper to Grace for winning the Hellfire Tournament. Grace immediately makes use of her prize and challenges Harmony for a match at the next PPV.

Go Family Man! But Oh no, what's this, the brand is stronger than one man! Maybe one day we can live in peace but now Cocademon wins.

Agnes wins this match between Kelsey and Florida Man by smothering Kelsey to the point of her passing out. Brutal.

If only Roy would have brought out the 1% crit. He might have won. But Bigdawg's Clenched Fist made him stay down for the 1-2-3.

Well shit, Pantha vs. VACANT. The first time was under VACANT's ruleset. Now it's a regular match which one might guess is to Pantha's advantage. It is. But she still loses. VACANT's fifth successful defense. And they defended it against one of the best.

The stakes were higher than one might initially think. Because a Fun Gang victory would mean that Fomore held every title. Too bad that didn't happen. Team Skull win once more. This is their sixth successful defense.