End Year Lariats and Legislators 2023 Presser Highlights
By Kevin "The Internet" Anderson
The Lariats pressers this time around were a bit condensed, largely consisting as a presentation with Senatorial Office Head of Operations Anthony Kalb, Chairman Morgan Matthews and Office founder Steve Phillips hosting. The head promoters of the Office affiliates each had time to speak about their own matches, and the main event participants, N9NE and Colossus Rhodes were on hand. Anyone who has followed the Office for any time knows how volatile the combination of Phillips and Matthews on stage could potentially be, with the two having consistently clashed from the moment that "Midas" became the primary investor of the organization. As a favor to the internet wrestling community, we here at World Wrestling Daily Digest have made this abridged coverage of the presser completely free to all visitors to the site. If you value our coverage and want the entire uncut coverage of this, our esteemed editorial content and the entire archive of the venerable Digital Dave Doolittle's Ring Beholder review and podcast, then we'll be willing to lock you in at a special one time holiday deal of $3.99 a month for an entire year for your very own World Wrestling Daily Digest Insider Account. This expires as soon as the new year begins, so act now!
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Anthony Kalb: Thank you everyone for taking the time to join us here, my name is Anthony Kalb and I run this production. So if this ends up being a botched up mess, you can come to me first. That said, I'm not worried about that at all, since I think we have the two biggest, best nights of wrestling lined up for the entire year in the next few days. Now I'd love to ramble on and on about this, but Midas here wanted to get a few words in edgewise, and even though Midas told me not to, I also invited my good friend and mentor, the Senator Emeritus, Steve Phillips to share the stage with us.
Morgan "Midas" Matthews: I would prefer not to sit here anywhere near that loathsome politician, so I hope you people out there understand just how important I consider this event to be by gracing you with my presence, anyway. You can all thank me right now for having arranged the centerpiece of centerpieces for you, not just half a year ago, but when I went out of my way to sign the biggest free agent titans on the market. Hell, N9NE wasn't even on the market, but once I made him a deal he couldn't refuse, well, you see what happens when the pocketbook changes the heart! We now have the two biggest names of the last decade in a once in a lifetime meeting and once this is over, nothing will ever be the same again!
Steve Phillips: Far be it for me to cast a disparaging word towards the valiant behemoths headlining our endeavor, but to proclaim without qualifier that they are the two "biggest names" of the decade is questionable hyperbole at best, and a willful insult to many of our fellow promoters more likely than not. In physical mass, I am willing to concede that they are nigh on unmatched but for the likes of Hyper Earth and Ogden Meadows from our friends at Super NOVA, but elsewise, Mr. Matthews, I would wish you to place your words with greater precision and care.
Midas: Listen here, Phillips, I ran you out of this business once, and I can do it again!
Kalb: *sigh* We really did have to open up with that, didn't we? Hey, Morgan, Steve, with all due respect, and you know I have a lot. shut the hell up already and let's talk about the show, not about each other! Seriously, for two men of your grand stature, I'd expect better, if I didn't know better.
Phillips: Message received, I shall cease my attempts to accomplish the impossible.
Midas: And what exactly are you implying there, coward? Say it out loud if you say it at all!
Phillips: Very well, as one with my considerable experience navigating the treacherous realm of politics, and with my concern for the entity that I created, I felt it my due to inform you that your ill-chosen words were...
Midas: You leture me on politics? You were drummed out and voted out unceremoniously like the loser you are!
Phillips: And yet, you would not have even sniffed a whiff of public office if you ever endeavored to do so, not for all your money, not for your fame nor your bluster.
Kalb: Do I need to ban you two from this presser? Or knowing how stubborn you both would be even in that situation, I could just end it right here, after all, why bother calling Cowboy and Bodybreaker and Shima and Alger up here if you're just going to make it all about your own selves! Who cares about this big huge expensive event we have lined up?
Midas: I pay your salary!
Kalb: And I make you your money back! Now hush and let's get this going!
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Cowboy Johnston: Ah know ah ain't got none of mah own folks in mah big Lone Stah match there, but yah know, that there's alright. Yah gotta believe that Felix an' Froggy gonna tear this big ol' roof off that foundation, an' Sapo an' mah buddy Lance got the same chance too. Ah'll put mah folks up against anyone far as matches go!
Kalb: And as part of your roster, when I get the time that is, and I do hope in the new year that I can
make the time, I'm not going to argue against that. Personally, I'm also really interested in seeing how the Trios championship bout turns out, there's some really interesting variables with the Rudo Army, who have better submission skills overall, and the Cogburn Ranch trio, who have the bigger recent wins and showings, both here and on The Strut. It doesn't hurt with those teams that you get two of the best managers around, this side of my lovely wife, that is, love ya, Monica, in the Generalissimo and in Salvador Sosa. Yeah, I know there's lots of jokes about Kool Q not always showing up for events, but he's a pure motivation machine when he's in the Cogburn corner, no matter who's competing for them. Then you get Salvador Sosa, and you want to talk about someone who's made the best of a bad situation? Look no further, Sosa's career ending injuries at Colossus Rhodes's hands could have sent him into flat out retirement, but he didn't see it as a chance to step away, he saw it as his time to get the most out of his Rudo Army friends, I can't tell you how much respect I have for that guy.
Phillips: I concur, Mr. Sosa is a class act, through and through, someone whom I am proud to consider a colleague. It was not so long in the past that he was the finest athlete in the industry, and for him to yet channel his steadfast determination to his own associates is an accomplishment that...
???: Aw, shuddup, just shut your trap already, you city slicker big shot sack of crap!
Phillips: Ah, Roland Chang Junior, I see you have chosen to tarnish this conference room with your pestiferous presence.
Roland Chang Junior: Seeing that none of you yanks invited me, I had to knock down the door to get my way in here!
Kalb: You didn't really kick the door in, did you...oh, you did...yeah, Cowboy, take that out of his next paycheck, please.
Roland Junior: Phillips, you don't belong in these parts anymore! This isn't your game! Go back to cable news spewing all your lies and stuff, 'cause bad things happen to your sorts around here!
Phillips: I would be most appreciative if you could specifiy exactly what "my sorts" would entail...
Roland Junior: You're a has-been, a never-was, a no-good, a goddamn suit! Go back to where you came from and don't you come back no more!
Phillips: I see. Or perhaps, I should make my own specification, I see exactly the sort of delusions clouding your thinking that lead to irrevocable errors in your actions. I implore you, please, for your own sake, do reconsider your choice to target yours truly with your pitiful, vulgar invective, or I shall be forced to issue you a most unpleasant course correction for the ages.
Roland Junior: What the hell did you just spew out your piehole? Anyway, I don't care, because I came here to tell you, and tell the whole damn world that Roland Chang Junior's gonna beat you within an inch of your sorry ass life in the Steel Stockade, and nobody, not your friend in high places, Kalb, not your West Coast import Worthy, not even your hot ass redheaded puncher Daley's gonna save you in that cage! Hell, once I'm done with you, maybe she wants to take a shot with a real man, you know!
Phillips: How truly unfortunate. I felt initially that I was merely serving in the public interest when the opportunity came for me to teach you a lesson. But now, you simply had to step over the line. And that cannot occur with impunity. Before, this was merely an obligation mixed with a hint of personal satisfaction. Now this becomes deadly serious. Allow me to issue one more piece of advice to you, Roland. Do not enter that cage until you have made peace with yourself, not until you are ready to pursue a life that no longer involves physical competition, for when you set foot in that ring, you do so against someone who will show no mercy. You believe yourself to be the dirtiest player in the game, and for that to imbue you with an insurmountable advantage, but you fail to consider that when you enter this contest, you do against the roughest, toughest, most intelligent son of a gun ever to set foot inside the squared circle, you take on the news maker, headline breaker, office taker, world shaker, you will find yourself against someone who shall pursue the singular goal of silencing your insults for once and for all, and that, sir, is nothing...but the truth.
At this point, Roland Changs Senior and III and Annie Chang worked their way up to restrain Junior just as he reared back to throw a chair at the back of Steve Phillips, who had turned to exit the podium, having dropped his microphone on the VIP table.
Roland Chang Senior: Dagnabit, Junior, you always have to go make things worse, every blasted time.
Chang Junior: Let me go, I gotta go crack that bastard's skull! Get your grubby paws off me!
Annie Chang: Come on Dad, you really had to go creepin' on his girl, come on, that's just messed up.
Roland Chang III: Yeah, that's what Annie does, not you. Don't do that, it's embarrassing.
Annie: Hey! I'll have you know I'll creep on anyone I want!
Junior: Damn bastard got away, damn you, you ungrateful spawn! Thanks for nothing! And Dad...aw, forget it!
Senior: (Looking out at the gaggle of journalists and invitees in the crowd, shaking his head) They share my name, but by Jove, I have nothing to do with them! Nothing! Nothing at all!
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Shima Ito: (Translated from Japanese) <Lightning Pro is the gold standard in professional wrestling on two continents, we have the best talent, and we have the best matchup. The most skillful match of this event will take place with the Victorious Medal on the line. Ibrahim Rahman is the best wrestler in the world. Nobody has more perfect
???: Hey, Super Grey Machine, you leave your mask in the dry cleaners?
Kalb: Stanford, get lost or I'll throw you out with my own two hands!
Stanford Bradley: Woah woah woah, no need to get violent here, I just figured you forgot about me, but then I realized, nobody forgets about Stanford Bradley, so I then thought you probably just didn't want me outshining all these dull personalities around here!
Ibrahim Rahman: Please do find another time for your nonsense. This is not the place for this.
Stanford: Wait, are you the hall monitor or something?
Rahman: I am the Victorious Medal holder. I am here to speak of my match. Nothing more. I earned my place here. You did not. Please go on your way.
Stanford: Now come on, Mr. Nomad, I dunno if you took a wrong turn at Timbuktu or something, but when Stanford Bradley has something to say, everyone listens!
Kalb: Stanford, if you don't go away right now, I'm not going to throw you out, I'll just give you a preshow match.
Stanford: Now we're talking! Every big event needs the big time player, and I'm the biggest time player of all!
Kalb: You do know I could just order the ZIP Strikebot...
Stanford: Nah, only you're stupid enough to take that on...
Kalb: You want a match, you run that risk, buddy.
Stanford: Don't call me buddy, pal. Seriously, you know what? Sign me up, I don't care. I mean, I do care if you screw me over and I get my ass kicked, but you do that, you just make me a legend, man!
Kalb: Actually...I think I have the perfect idea for this, yeah, absolutely perfect. Alright, security, drag him away, and lock him out, well, at least stand in front of that busted door and keep him out, alright? Now, let's get back to this...
ALEXANDER: (Translated from Japanese) <Soon, the path of history will lead to its ultimate conclusion, the rightful place for a man with the blood of warriors and tyrants flowing through his veins, soon, the Victorious Medal will be within my grasp! Ibrahim Rahman! It is not your fault that you stand in the way of Worldwide Conquest! I respect you, not just for your ability, but for your tenacious spirit, unwilling to bow down to the controlling forces of society or your opponents! But just as the great nation of Carthage fell to Rome, your great reign will end when I step up to claim my prize. Worldwide Conquest is not just a name, it is a mission! And it is one that we intend to fulfill!>
Rahman: I left Tunisia for America without speaking English. I knew I took a risk. But I took it because I wanted to face the best. Morgan Matthews gave me the chance, but he asked too much of me. I did what I had to do to control my path. I did this, and I am now champion. This is not something I will give up without fighting. You will not guarantee a win.
ALEXANDER: <Let the air resound with the din of our clash, let the people smell the desperation, may they witness true greatness at hand!>
Rahman: I can agree with this. We both will give our best. And the best of us will win when it is over.
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Kalb: Kev, do the honors and read out the weight here.
Kevin Fitsharris: You bet! We have the challenger, the Immovable Object, Colossus Rhodes and he weighs in at, wait for it, heh, wait for weight, alright almost balanced, and we have...a whopping four hundred and fifty one pounds!
Kalb: And now for the champion.
Fitsharris: We have the Number One Ranked star of the Senatorial Office, the pure force of nature, the man they call N9NE, now let's see what we get when he steps up to the scale...alright, a little more left, now right, alright we have ourselves...four hundred and five pounds!
Both Rhodes and N9NE walked to the center of the stage, Kalb, Fitsharris, and Midas all standing behind the two seven foot giants.
Kalb: And I doubt either of you have any words before we get down to the big stare down...
Midas: Oh, I have a few. You see, this has been one of the true culminating moments of my entire life. Is it exaggerating too much to say this is the biggest match in wrestling history? Have there ever been two competitors this big, fighting at the highest level for a championship? I think not.
Swatting the microphone out of Anthony Kalb's hand, N9NE stepped up.
N9NE: I got a few things to get off my chest. First off, Midas, thanks for paying me the money I'm earning, but stay out of my way on Friday!
Midas: What the? You dare speak to me like that? And I wasn't done talking to begin with!
N9NE: Yeah, I dare! You talk about how big this match is, last thing we need is you and your ladies getting in our way. So stay out of our way!
Midas: I will do what I please. I pay the bills and I take the financial risk. So I will take your suggestion under consideration and immediately reject it. Instead, I will warn you, N9NE, you best better know your place! Signing you was expensive and I still believe it was worth it, for now, at least. You lose on Friday, and I will reconsider that deal.
N9NE: You want me to walk, I'm happy to oblige you, I don't need this. But I want it. And I want to beat your chosen boy real bad! I beat Ajax, and Ajax is a real man, not some frontrunner who ducked away soon as he got his ass kicked! Rhodes, you ain't never faced someone who can see you eye to eye! You need Midas to help you out when I got you pinned? Go right ahead! I'll still get you! And then Midas ain't gonna have nothin' to throw at me, nothin'!
Midas: I hope you're not looking past Friday. Leave the next step to me, for now, just focus on putting on the most important match in Office history, why don't you? Make yourself the big paycheck that people only dream of! But that's not going to be so easy, because strong as you obviously are, you're yourself outsized for the first time against the biggest champion the Office's ever seen. Colossus Rhodes is so big, so strong that promotions have changed their rules multiple times to deal with his outright dominance! This is a man who changes everything wherever he goes! And everyone he faces has their life changed as a result! This is Colossus Rhodes, ender of careers! I will be there to see first hand exactly what he will do, N9NE, and nobody will tell me otherwise! I will be there to see greatness!
Rhodes pushed forward ahead of Midas, and N9NE threw down his own microphone, stepping up, face to face with his fellow behemoth. The two paused in an intense staredown for a lingering moment, before Colossus Rhodes lunged forward with a shove. N9NE stumbled back a few steps, only to return the favor, and now Rhodes nearly lost his footing. Anthony Kalb instantly jumped in, sensing what was about to happen, and ended up catching a N9NE boot to his head as he did so, flying off the stage. Kevin Fitsharris took a more prudent approach, tackling Colossus Rhodes by an ankle from behind, but received similarly dismissive treatment as Rhodes lifted a massive leg up and stomped on his back to break the hold. The two monsters slammed into each other, bouncing off only to do so again. Security poured in, and a fairly discombobulated Kalb was able to rouse himself enough to wave them into action. Unfortunately for the security crew, though, both N9NE and Rhodes were able to ragdoll them several at a time, before continuing their titanic tussle. Midas lifted his microphone.
Midas: Enough! Enough!
It was not enough, and both Rhodes and N9NE locked up again, this time spiraling in a giant neck and elbow clinch teetering ever so close to the edge of the stage, towards a table in the front row.
Midas: For the love of money, break it up now!
The two did not listen. Instead, they tumbled off together, both crashing through the table with a resounding thud that echoed through the surrounding area. The room went dead silent, and then...
Midas: Isn't that enough for you fools? Save it for when you're paid for it!
Rhodes and N9NE continued throwing short rabbit punched, having never broken their clinch, even through the fall, both rising to their knees, and it was only then when eight determined security guards, Anthony Kalb and Kevin Fitsharris were able to break the brutal deadlock, pulling both men back and isolating them on the ground.
Midas: Well, it looks like my Head of Operations is busy with another task, so allow me to tell you all that this is the end of this press conference, and to tell the people that if they believe in spending their money for quality entertainment that they will find no better value than the two nights of Lariats and Legislators, this Thursday and Friday! Now move along and let us clean up this mess!
