Post by Senator Phillips on Jul 19, 2018 2:25:14 GMT
A rather interesting scene was captured from the office of Senator Steve Phillips in the Beltway Full Contact Martial Arts Center. Seen present in the room were the trio of Morgan “Midas” Matthews, Irkalla and Persephone, head trainer “Textbook” Tim Dwight, Senator Phillips himself, and standing on the other side of the room, everyone’s “favorite” failed comic, Stanford Bradley.
Senator Steve Phillips: Enough is enough. My patience has worn well past thin at this point. Mr. Bradley, this cannot go on any longer.
Stanford Bradley: Yeah, yeah, yeah, blah, blah blah, save it for someone who cares.
“Textbook” Tim Dwight: Now, Stanford, you know I’ve tried. Heaven knows, I’ve tried my best at giving you the best chance I could at being a better wrestler! But you don’t listen to my instructions! You don’t do any of the work you’re told to do! You don’t take anything seriously!
Stanford: Um, that’s sorta my thing…
Dwight: And you never, ever shut up! I have never given up on a student before! But I give up on you! You’re unteachable!
Senator: And when I finally give you a legitimate opportunity, a chance to win a tournament that, in my estimation, is actually going to feature talent that is still far beyond your skill level, you end up creating a diplomatic rift between my company and Voodoo Broadcasting. You insult everything and everyone you encounter, but you refuse to train hard enough to back up your endless stream of verbal vomit!
Stanford: Screw you, too!
Morgan “Midas” Matthews: Just one moment. Stanford. Where Phillips thinks you are a lost cause, I found a purpose for you here. You sought me out, and I gave you something you wanted, am I correct?
Stanford: Damn straight.
Midas: When everyone wrote you off, I found something worthwhile for you to do. In fact, you know you are protected by a Golden Touch Promotions contract.
Stanford: Means Senator Asshole Phillips can’t fire me, yeah.
Midas: But you should understand something else. I made an investment in you, Stanford. That is not something to take lightly. When I make an investment, I spare no effort to see it through. And I do not accept failure. I do not forgive shortcomings. Am I beginning to make myself clear?
Stanford: Crystal…yeah.
Midas: Very well then, as I said, I invested in you. We have heard Textbook Dwight, he wants nothing more to do with you. And I think he was the wrong trainer for you.
Stanford: Yeah, Textbook, Stanford Bradley deserves something better than your decrepit ass!
Midas: So as such, I went out and found someone who would be more appropriate for your requirements. Persephone! Open the door and let this man in!
Midas’s associate walks over to the door, opening it, and letting in a man in his early 50s with short cropped grey hair, wearing a drill sergeant uniform, and a rather intense look.
Midas: Let me introduce to you retired US Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant Lee Hart.
Gunny Lee Hart: Atten-tion! Look here, you little cretin! I am Gunny Lee Hart, and I am going to be your worst nightmare for the next month! You will not eat anything I do not approve, you will not take a step without asking me, you will not take a dump if I do not tell you it is approved! Do you understand me, you overweight sweathog?
Stanford: Woah…woah, woah, woah! I didn’t sign up here to have some headcase military psycho shout in my face!
Midas: You will. Or I will not only fire you, but feed you to Honda in the process. You signed on with Golden Touch. You do what I say.
Stanford: Ugh…seriously?
Gunny: Serious as a heart attack! Which, looking at you, seems to be in your near future if you don’t change your ways, and fast! How tall are you anyway?
Stanford: Uh, about six feet, I dunno, you want a tape measure?
Gunny: Six feet? I didn’t know they stacked shit that high! Now Midas over here tells me you’re in a tournament coming up here! Let me tell you something right now. If you do not win this tournament, your ass is mine!
Stanford: Heh…I don’t swing like that…
Gunny: Next time you talk back to me like that, I promise you I will rip that tongue out of your mouth and mount it on my trophy wall! Now come on, you’re heading over to the gym, right now! Now, now now! Get your feet chopping! Get this show rolling! Move, you lazy dirtbag!
And at that, Stanford uncomfortably breaks into a forced jog, with the Gunny shouting in his ear the entire way out of the room.
Dwight: And am I ever glad that is not my job anymore…
[If it’s not blatantly obvious, Gunny Lee Hart is a tribute to the recently departed R. Lee Ermey, the immortal drill sgt. from Full Metal Jacket and various History Channel shows where he gained immense enjoyment testing out various munitions and firearms. The Ol’ Gunny’ll be missed, thought he’d outlast us all.]
The Senator Strikes!
By Kevin "The Internet" Anderson and "Fast" Eddie Edison
On the end of Monday Night's AAW broadcast, a shocking attack took place when Senator Steve Phillips and the Capitalists invaded the show, answering the persistent call of "The God of Death" Josh Belmonte, beating him down in the middle of the ring. Belmonte, who had antagonized Phillips for weeks, had just finished his match when the Senatorial contingent rushed the ring and delivered a solid, if uninspired beatdown on their foe. Of course, my fellow World Wrestling Daily Digest colleague, Eddie Edison was in person, making the call. Being one of the few people on speaking terms with all sides of the feud, he managed to catch up with Senator Phillips after the show went off the air, and obtained a statement from him.
"Fast" Eddie Edison: Senator! Senator Phillips, you have a moment?
Senator Steve Phillips: Yes, absolutely.
Edison: I have to ask, what just happened there?
Senator: I believe the answer is simple. A statement was made.
Edison: The only problem there, is that for weeks, you have either outright ignored Josh Belmonte, or you have stated that you wanted no part of him, what changed?
Senator: I do believe you, the fans, and even Mr. Belmonte himself are surely entitled to an explanation. You see, for weeks, I have had to deal with the harassment of Mr. Belmonte. He has threatened my company, my roster, my very life. For the most part, I considered him nothing more than a dangerous crank. A person best ignored, allowing him to waste his time and energy pursuing other matters. If he dared to attack my company, I was ready.
Edison: But that obviously changed.
Senator: Indeed it did. Circumstances are always shifting, the situation can always change. Now, Darwin said the species that is best able to survive is not the strongest. It is not the biggest. Not the fastest. Not...the most vicious. Not even the smartest. No, the species that is best able to survive is the one that can adapt the best. As things were, I was more than content with sitting back and creating Stronghold Senator. But as I stated, circumstances did not remain static. Let it be said that I found some cracks in the foundation, uncovered some plans that were set against my Office by your hand. Once these became known, I knew that my original plan of action had become obsolete.
Edison: This was absolutely unlike your usual ways of dealing with things, are you sure you're ok with that?
Senator: Mr. Edison, to be honest...not entirely. You have known me for, what, ten or fifteen years? You know that these actions run contrary to my usual modius operandi. F. Scott Fitzgerald said that the sign of a first rate intelligence was to be able to hold two contradictory thoughts at the same time. In this case, as much as I disliked invading AAW, and attacking three on one, I felt that it was essential to the survival of the Senatorial Office, and even to the stability of the entire FPWA that I did such a thing. If I wanted to truly inflict damage, I simply would have brought Mina Fitsharris along to carve him up and inflict pain. If I wanted to do leave lasting damage, I could have brought Thiago Gracie, Cowboy Johnston, Dangerous Nicholas Alger, any number of heavy hitters that would have happily brought grievous destruction with them. But I felt that a simple, professional, restrained, but definitive statement would be enough.
Edison: So what exactly did you want to say to Josh Belmonte?
Senator: Simply stated, I want this to serve as my declaration of war. You started this! You invaded other organizations, time and time again! You viciously attacked my allies, threatened me and my company! You begged me for an answer to your depraved rantings, week after week! Well, sir, here is your response! You wanted an invitation, you have just received one! I stated before that you were not welcome in the Office. But when Lariats and Legislators #4 arrives, I will personally lay out the red carpet following the conclusion of our main event. You and however many Harbingers, however many traitors you want to compile, bring them on down, and I will meet them with a contingent of my own choosing! So, Belmonte, you wished for a fight? You have received one! You wanted a war? Here it is! And that, my friends, is nothing...but the truth.
I'm thinking right now I might be able to give this a real shot. Didn't think I'd have the energy or time for it, but here's some press conference promos for Night 1.
Promos for Felix Jr, Felix III, Luke Powers, Tomas, Gang Wong, El Froggy Mask, Anthony Kalb, Kevin Fitsharris and GP Christopher
Felix Santana Jr:(Spanish Subtitles) <This is something I have looked forward to for a long time. My son and I have…differences, in our styles and opinions. He joined the Rudo Army, I uphold my family tradition.>
Felix Santana III:(Spanish Subtitles) <I just want to say how much I respect and love my family.> And isn’t that a load of garbage! Screw speaking in Spanish, I train in American style wrestling! I wrestle in American style companies! And I am changing the “time honored” Santana family traditions to something more modern. So I’ll speak in English.
Felix Jr: If you want to talk in English, I can too, son. You want to make your name your own way, that is your right, and I love and support you for it! But you don’t disrespect the family name. You don’t join our enemies and attack your own flesh and blood without consequence!
Felix III: You and Senior held me back! You wanted me to wrestle your way! You wanted me to be just like you and do the same old things that are holding our family back!
Felix Jr: Then you do that. And I will do this my way. And we will fight. We will fight for the Dominican Golden Championship. We will fight for supremacy in Santana Family Wrestling. We will give the fans a fight they will never forget.
Felix III: Seriously, the fans can take a flying leap far as I care! I’m coming for your belt, old man! And I’m gonna put the Rudo Army on top of SFW, now and forever! And when that happens, you’ll know that your time is over and my time has just started!
Felix Jr: I hope you know I still am cheering for you to be a great star. But until you learn to do things with respect, with honor, with the Santana Way, you could find that you are not ready yet to rise to the crown.
---
Tomas the Tiny Giant: too many people try to hold me back, the masses and masses want tomas to go away and stop scaring their children with his tiny giant frame, people like phillips senator and big biff want me to stop, BUT TOMAS WILL NOT STOP UNTIL HE GAINS THE TITLE OF EXTREME!
Luke Powers: Yeah, yeah, whatever, big guy. We heard all this stuff before, over and over, and you know what, you weird ass freak? The time for talk is over.
Tomas: DO NOT TELL ME WHEN TO STOP TALKING!
Powers: You telling me what to do? Because I don’t see any of your damn light tubes over there. You run your mouth, but can you back it up? Because I’ve done that! For two straight years I’ve held this PEWA Extreme Title! I’ve been the man! I’ve carried this company on my broad shoulders! You ain’t got big enough shoulders to do that, bitch!
Tomas: THE HOUSE OF POWERS WILL FALL! and tomas will witness the fall as he brings it about, just as he brings about the fall of all, because all will fall when tomas takes the actions of tomas and extends them further than the match of tomas to the whole of the office of senator and to the world and the world will fall apart like a castle of sand in the rise of the tide and the people will all wonder what happened when the tiny giant stands taller than all on the world that has fallen and the children will cry and those who opposed and all of my foes will be in a terrible woe and that will be when TOMAS IS THE CHAMPION AND YOU ARE THE LOSER!
Powers: Well, hell, can’t say anything back to that…
---
Gang Wong: English not my best language. But I want say that I am very happy for be here, and for kick Capitalists in face.
El Froggy Mask: I will take Anthony Kalb to the swamp. I will hit the El Froggy Splash on Kevin Fitsharris. And we thank all our fans for wanting us here for this match! Thanks to you from El Froggy Mask!
Kevin Fitsharris: Thought we had this one off, but hey, this is cool, too. It’s like a Capitalist career revival! We got two of the coolest opponents in the room to have a match with!
Anthony Kalb: I think we’re here because Sen thinks we’ll lose to these two. El Froggy and Gang Wong have a lot of fans out there. We have some too, but those guys sell merch. Lots of it.
Kevin Fitsharris: GANG WONG GANG WONG GANG WONG!
Gang: What you say?
Fitsharris: Sorry…just had to do that.
---
G.P. Christopher: I know that C.J. Fresh isn’t here for this little press conference, but I’m thrilled to face him! He’s one of the best in the world, and Super Hyper Turbo Championship Wrestling Alpha is one of the best groups in the FPWA! I saw him at the Super Z Cup, and around elsewhere, and all I can say is that I know we’ll be in the running to steal the entire show with what we can do! And while I want to rep for Philly Strong Style and earn one of the biggest wins of my career, C.J. Fresh is flat out fresh AF, and you can’t mess with that.
Felix Santana III:(Spanish Subtitles) <I just want to say how much I respect and love my family.> And isn’t that a load of garbage! Screw speaking in Spanish, I train in American style wrestling! I wrestle in American style companies! And I am changing the “time honored” Santana family traditions to something more modern. So I’ll speak in English.
Felix Jr: If you want to talk in English, I can too, son. You want to make your name your own way, that is your right, and I love and support you for it! But you don’t disrespect the family name. You don’t join our enemies and attack your own flesh and blood without consequence!
Felix III: You and Senior held me back! You wanted me to wrestle your way! You wanted me to be just like you and do the same old things that are holding our family back!
Felix Jr: Then you do that. And I will do this my way. And we will fight. We will fight for the Dominican Golden Championship. We will fight for supremacy in Santana Family Wrestling. We will give the fans a fight they will never forget.
Felix III: Seriously, the fans can take a flying leap far as I care! I’m coming for your belt, old man! And I’m gonna put the Rudo Army on top of SFW, now and forever! And when that happens, you’ll know that your time is over and my time has just started!
Felix Jr: I hope you know I still am cheering for you to be a great star. But until you learn to do things with respect, with honor, with the Santana Way, you could find that you are not ready yet to rise to the crown.
---
Tomas the Tiny Giant: too many people try to hold me back, the masses and masses want tomas to go away and stop scaring their children with his tiny giant frame, people like phillips senator and big biff want me to stop, BUT TOMAS WILL NOT STOP UNTIL HE GAINS THE TITLE OF EXTREME!
Luke Powers: Yeah, yeah, whatever, big guy. We heard all this stuff before, over and over, and you know what, you weird ass freak? The time for talk is over.
Tomas: DO NOT TELL ME WHEN TO STOP TALKING!
Powers: You telling me what to do? Because I don’t see any of your damn light tubes over there. You run your mouth, but can you back it up? Because I’ve done that! For two straight years I’ve held this PEWA Extreme Title! I’ve been the man! I’ve carried this company on my broad shoulders! You ain’t got big enough shoulders to do that, bitch!
Tomas: THE HOUSE OF POWERS WILL FALL! and tomas will witness the fall as he brings it about, just as he brings about the fall of all, because all will fall when tomas takes the actions of tomas and extends them further than the match of tomas to the whole of the office of senator and to the world and the world will fall apart like a castle of sand in the rise of the tide and the people will all wonder what happened when the tiny giant stands taller than all on the world that has fallen and the children will cry and those who opposed and all of my foes will be in a terrible woe and that will be when TOMAS IS THE CHAMPION AND YOU ARE THE LOSER!
Powers: Well, hell, can’t say anything back to that…
---
Gang Wong: English not my best language. But I want say that I am very happy for be here, and for kick Capitalists in face.
El Froggy Mask: I will take Anthony Kalb to the swamp. I will hit the El Froggy Splash on Kevin Fitsharris. And we thank all our fans for wanting us here for this match! Thanks to you from El Froggy Mask!
Kevin Fitsharris: Thought we had this one off, but hey, this is cool, too. It’s like a Capitalist career revival! We got two of the coolest opponents in the room to have a match with!
Anthony Kalb: I think we’re here because Sen thinks we’ll lose to these two. El Froggy and Gang Wong have a lot of fans out there. We have some too, but those guys sell merch. Lots of it.
Kevin Fitsharris: GANG WONG GANG WONG GANG WONG!
Gang: What you say?
Fitsharris: Sorry…just had to do that.
---
G.P. Christopher: I know that C.J. Fresh isn’t here for this little press conference, but I’m thrilled to face him! He’s one of the best in the world, and Super Hyper Turbo Championship Wrestling Alpha is one of the best groups in the FPWA! I saw him at the Super Z Cup, and around elsewhere, and all I can say is that I know we’ll be in the running to steal the entire show with what we can do! And while I want to rep for Philly Strong Style and earn one of the biggest wins of my career, C.J. Fresh is flat out fresh AF, and you can’t mess with that.
Night Two Presser moments:
Crusher Honda, Cowboy Johnston, Mina Fitsharris, Juliette Erving, White Trash, Jimmy Jack Walker
Both Cowboy Johnston and Crusher Honda stepped up to the podium. Honda, flanked by Midas Matthews, Irkalla and Persephone and Johnston with Senator Phillips, Duke Cogburn and Hailey Comet both rise to their respective sides, security in the middle. Johnston takes off his sizable Stetson hat, and addresses the room first.
Cowboy Johnston: We’re just about here, an’ I cain’t wait to get this here match going!
Crusher Honda: Too long! You have been on top of the rankings too long! I am the true champion! I am the true ace!
Cowboy: Then git your backside in gear an’ prove it! Ya think yer so damn tough, here’s yer chance!
Honda: Not enough to win, I must break you. Into pieces. Tiny pieces. And then break the pieces until there is nothing left! Nothing left of the imposter! And then I prove to all that there will be no escape from my reign! I am the best! Soon nobody will question that!
Cowboy: Yer way o’ doin’ things ain’t too cool by my book. But let me know this, that right bastard Belmonte tries anythin’ ya better be ready for that, too. An’ I’ll stand even by yer side, that happens.
Honda: Hah! The God of Death has no reason to step in my path, nor will I step in his! We both destroy what is in front of us! And I only see you in front of me!
Cowboy: Time’s drawin’ short. Ya wanna kill mah career, take yer best shot. But when it’s all said an’ done, ah’ll do whatever ah’ hasta’ do to keep mahself up here on the top. ‘Cause the Senatorial Office deserves sumone who wants to be the best for those fans out there, who cares about bein’ honorable an’ sportsmanlike, who wants to stand up and be here because that’s what a real Texan does. We fight for those who can’t. We give more than’s comfortable t’ give. We fight to the bitter end. An’ this ain’t no Alamo. Y’all see, this’s gonna be another San Jacinto!
Honda: I don’t care about your puny little region’s history! The Murder Train rolls over Texas just like it does the rest of the world! And soon, the Senatorial Office will have a champion who shows real strength!
The two face off for a moment, security and entourage members keeping them far apart. Honda makes a menacing gesture, while Johnston places his Stetson back on his head.
---
The scene for the Erving-Fitsharris presser was rather different. Instead of the two being present in the press room together, each is seen on a separate projection screen via live stream. The Capitalists and "Textbook" Tim Dwight can be seen behind Mina, while the Bingo Hall Mutants and Biff Taylor are backing Juliette.
Mina Fitsharris: I'm so sick of hearing your stupid voice, looking at your ugly face, your neon hair, your...
Juliette Erving: You know I don't wanna look at you either...not so far away, and with so many clothes on...
Mina: You know, that's not working anymore. Those mind games got old months ago. You can try all that stuff on Sunday, but all that's going to get you is me kicking the freakin' shit outta you!
Juliette: Oh no, you can't get off that easily! You...
Mina: You're not getting off at all when I hit you with the Midnight Special and plant your face into the mat. And when you wake up from the coma I put you in, after weeks of endless nightmares, you'll remember just how bad an idea this was!
Juliette: Wait, wait, you gonna tuck me in bed? Seriously, there's no rules here, which means there ain't nothin' holding me back from doin' whatever comes to my sick little twisted mind. And in your case, much as I'd like to give you a good time, this time, I'm gonna carve you up like a Thanksgiving turkey! I'll make your neck go snap, crackle, pop, and I'll work you over so hard that you'll look like a sirloin steak!
Mina: Hungry much? Bet in a few years you'll be fatter than Mega Meat!
Juliette: Seriously? That the best you have?
Mina: Nope.
Juliette: You know you think you're so tough, you go over to all the big indy feds an' you put on three hour matches with some crazy bitch...but those ain't against a heavy hitter like me.
Mina: Yeah, like you could lace Skully's boots! What's the matter, you too fucked up to remember her name? You look like you are, and that's before we have our match! Hope you haven't been self medicating. Because you totally seem like the type to do something like that. You say you like the girls, but I bet you got nasty with the Bath Salts Zombie to get some of his stash, didn't you?
Juliette: You wanna make me puke!
Mina: Just looking at you makes me want to do that. Listening to you makes me nauseous. It's like my subconscious is telling me that it wants to purge you from existence or something. And that's just what I am going to try to do when we get in that ring.
Juliette: Try as hard as you want, girl, I'll drag you into deep waters and drown you like one of them sailors who can't swim!
---
Jimmy Jack Walker: Aww yeah, baby! It's a one time happy hour time for the best team ever, the Redneck Warriors! We got you the Drunken Master of Redneck-Fu, and we got...
White Trash: We got one last time out for me! It's been a long winding road, and all of you who followed my career in Japan knows that it wasn't all peaches and cream. But I wouldn't have traded it for anything else in the world.
JJW: 'Cept love, yeaaaah! Tell Reiko ol' Jimmy sends best o' luck! But tonight, we got ourselves one of the best around, them Neon Knights, Supernaut, Holy Diver, y'all two crazy flippy sons of guns, but y'all ain't seen nutthin yet!
Trash: And I promise that I'll do whatever it takes to send my fans home happy. You all saw my match with ECKO, I may be on the way out, but I ain't lost it yet! Let's show them all what some Redneck Warriors can do here on Sunday night!
Cowboy Johnston: We’re just about here, an’ I cain’t wait to get this here match going!
Crusher Honda: Too long! You have been on top of the rankings too long! I am the true champion! I am the true ace!
Cowboy: Then git your backside in gear an’ prove it! Ya think yer so damn tough, here’s yer chance!
Honda: Not enough to win, I must break you. Into pieces. Tiny pieces. And then break the pieces until there is nothing left! Nothing left of the imposter! And then I prove to all that there will be no escape from my reign! I am the best! Soon nobody will question that!
Cowboy: Yer way o’ doin’ things ain’t too cool by my book. But let me know this, that right bastard Belmonte tries anythin’ ya better be ready for that, too. An’ I’ll stand even by yer side, that happens.
Honda: Hah! The God of Death has no reason to step in my path, nor will I step in his! We both destroy what is in front of us! And I only see you in front of me!
Cowboy: Time’s drawin’ short. Ya wanna kill mah career, take yer best shot. But when it’s all said an’ done, ah’ll do whatever ah’ hasta’ do to keep mahself up here on the top. ‘Cause the Senatorial Office deserves sumone who wants to be the best for those fans out there, who cares about bein’ honorable an’ sportsmanlike, who wants to stand up and be here because that’s what a real Texan does. We fight for those who can’t. We give more than’s comfortable t’ give. We fight to the bitter end. An’ this ain’t no Alamo. Y’all see, this’s gonna be another San Jacinto!
Honda: I don’t care about your puny little region’s history! The Murder Train rolls over Texas just like it does the rest of the world! And soon, the Senatorial Office will have a champion who shows real strength!
The two face off for a moment, security and entourage members keeping them far apart. Honda makes a menacing gesture, while Johnston places his Stetson back on his head.
---
The scene for the Erving-Fitsharris presser was rather different. Instead of the two being present in the press room together, each is seen on a separate projection screen via live stream. The Capitalists and "Textbook" Tim Dwight can be seen behind Mina, while the Bingo Hall Mutants and Biff Taylor are backing Juliette.
Mina Fitsharris: I'm so sick of hearing your stupid voice, looking at your ugly face, your neon hair, your...
Juliette Erving: You know I don't wanna look at you either...not so far away, and with so many clothes on...
Mina: You know, that's not working anymore. Those mind games got old months ago. You can try all that stuff on Sunday, but all that's going to get you is me kicking the freakin' shit outta you!
Juliette: Oh no, you can't get off that easily! You...
Mina: You're not getting off at all when I hit you with the Midnight Special and plant your face into the mat. And when you wake up from the coma I put you in, after weeks of endless nightmares, you'll remember just how bad an idea this was!
Juliette: Wait, wait, you gonna tuck me in bed? Seriously, there's no rules here, which means there ain't nothin' holding me back from doin' whatever comes to my sick little twisted mind. And in your case, much as I'd like to give you a good time, this time, I'm gonna carve you up like a Thanksgiving turkey! I'll make your neck go snap, crackle, pop, and I'll work you over so hard that you'll look like a sirloin steak!
Mina: Hungry much? Bet in a few years you'll be fatter than Mega Meat!
Juliette: Seriously? That the best you have?
Mina: Nope.
Juliette: You know you think you're so tough, you go over to all the big indy feds an' you put on three hour matches with some crazy bitch...but those ain't against a heavy hitter like me.
Mina: Yeah, like you could lace Skully's boots! What's the matter, you too fucked up to remember her name? You look like you are, and that's before we have our match! Hope you haven't been self medicating. Because you totally seem like the type to do something like that. You say you like the girls, but I bet you got nasty with the Bath Salts Zombie to get some of his stash, didn't you?
Juliette: You wanna make me puke!
Mina: Just looking at you makes me want to do that. Listening to you makes me nauseous. It's like my subconscious is telling me that it wants to purge you from existence or something. And that's just what I am going to try to do when we get in that ring.
Juliette: Try as hard as you want, girl, I'll drag you into deep waters and drown you like one of them sailors who can't swim!
---
Jimmy Jack Walker: Aww yeah, baby! It's a one time happy hour time for the best team ever, the Redneck Warriors! We got you the Drunken Master of Redneck-Fu, and we got...
White Trash: We got one last time out for me! It's been a long winding road, and all of you who followed my career in Japan knows that it wasn't all peaches and cream. But I wouldn't have traded it for anything else in the world.
JJW: 'Cept love, yeaaaah! Tell Reiko ol' Jimmy sends best o' luck! But tonight, we got ourselves one of the best around, them Neon Knights, Supernaut, Holy Diver, y'all two crazy flippy sons of guns, but y'all ain't seen nutthin yet!
Trash: And I promise that I'll do whatever it takes to send my fans home happy. You all saw my match with ECKO, I may be on the way out, but I ain't lost it yet! Let's show them all what some Redneck Warriors can do here on Sunday night!
Lariats and Legislators 4: Honda vs Johnston Results (Pics coming later)
Day 1
Santana Family Wrestling: Dominican Golden Championship Title Match
Felix Santana Jr.(c) vs. Felix Santana III
While Junior took control in the first five, III was the first to hit a significant move, landing a half nelson suplex on his father, and stretching him out with chinlocks. Even so, Jr did not seem to lose momentum, using his technical skill to stay in the game. III, however, was nothing if relentless, constantly looking to work his father's arm over with Domingo Locks, and using his amateur knowledge to strong effect, including an overhead suplex over the ropes, twice in a row. The two fought hard on the outside, with Three throwing Junior into the corner post repeatedly, and generally inflicting pain. A Santana Surfboard almost took the match, and a few somersault sentons off the top added a punctuation mark. In the end, though, it was a simple basic rollup that won the match for Junior, a statement made, and the title retained.
Philadelphia Extreme Wrestling Alliance: PEWA Extreme Title
Luke Powers(c) vs. Tomas the Tiny Giant
Powers stared off with a surprising delayed vertical suplex, taking control and not relinquishing it within the first five minutes. The two eventually landed on the outside for a brutal brawl, involving a ton of chairs, no light tubes, and a massive Powers Bomb. Luke Powers clearly was determined to hold onto his title, hitting lariat after lariat, a diving elbow, and generally working his opponent over, while minimizing damage in return. A deadlift German and the running shoulder kept the pressure on. Just when it seemed like it was all over, Tomas landed a suspiciously powerful coconut buster to Powers and took the world and the PEWA Extreme title with it.
Universal Combat Shoot Style: UCSS Openweight Title Inaugural Match
Thiago Gracie vs. Dangerous Nicholas Alger
Thiago had clear control over the early going, winning the first round easily. Round two seemed to be the same, but Alger started to fight back, countering armbar attempts into triangles. Round three was the story of the armbar from the bell, Thiago landing one out of a suplex, out of takedowns, out of any position he could manage. Finally, a Perfect Jujigatame provided the Victory By Armbar that many expected, making Thiago Gracie the first ever UCSS Openweight champ!
Wataru Nakajima vs Stanford Bradley
Did not happen, because Stanford ran away. Sorry.
Win to Fight Stanford!
The Patriarch, Wataru Nakajima(ZIP Japan) vs. Bath Salts Zombie
With the possibility of a match with Stanford Bradley, Nakajima wasted no time getting off his big moves. The Zombie wasted no time finding a barbed wire bat, either. It was clear from the start that this would not be a standard wrestling match, with the Zombie taking unorthodox routes against Nakajima's (well) time tested style. A codebreaker from the BSZ was no sold around seven minutes in, and answered by a suplex over the ropes. Later on, at one point, Nakajima followed up a bow with a charging punch, a sequence that put much of this match in summary. Finally, two Nakajima Specials finished it, but only after BSZ tried to eat his face.
Flying Feet!
Gang Wong and El Froggy Mask vs. The Capitalists(Anthony Kalb and Kevin Fitsharris)
Anthony Kalb made the early stand against the superstar team of Wong and Froggy. The speed of the dynamic duo were enough to keep both of the Capitalists on their back feet through the early going. As the match went along, Gang Wong started showing his class, outgrappling and striking both of his opponents with his patented Shaolin style. Kevin Fitsharris worked hard around the fifteen minute mark to salvage the match for the Capitalists, working Froggy over, hitting a flipping neckbreaker off the top, and just when both made the tag, Gang Wong threw his foe out of the ring to a theatrical bow. However, Kalb decided now to go into his best form, landing two Pre Emptive Strike powerbombs, the last one for the win over Gang Wong, one that was not taken well by the crowd in attendance.
Strong Style vs. Fresh Style Exhibition Showcase
G.P. Christopher vs. C.J Fresh(SHTCWa)(Will)
These two started out the match in a tentative process, neither going for anything of any impact within the first five minutes, mostly trading chops and roundhouse kicks ot the body. Around that point, both of them flipped their switch to the on position, and the action truly started. A shining Wizard from Christopher netted the first two count of the match, but Fresh quickly answered with a hard elbow flurry and a flipping leg drop off the top. Fresh went into an even higher gear at the ten minute mark, hitting some spectacular kicks and turning up the dancing to boot. Five minutes later, GPC did the same, but at this point, it was a fight for a comeback for the PEWA sensation. A triple set of flipping legdrops was met with a diving rana to the outside from Christopher, but the brawl on the outside favored his foe. A Shining Wizard almost won the match for GPC following a chop battle, and the action would continue, GPC landing a flapjack into the lower corner and Fresh blasting his foe with capture suplexes. Finally a superkick set up a massive Shining Wizard for the win for GPC.
Day 2
A Special Invitation from Senator Steve Phillips and his friends to "God of Death" Josh Belmonte and the Harbingers of Death
Team Senator: Senator Steve Phillips, Cowboy Johnston, Lance Marshall, Will Craddock vs. the Harbingers: Silver Demon, Caveria, The Hangman, Tomas the Tiny Giant
A brutal beatdown of a match, Will Craddock was first to fall, KOed by a triple German from Demon, but Lance Marshall managed to even it out with a Cattle Drive KO to Caveria. Eventually Senator Phillips was defeated, leaving Cowboy Johnston to again fend off multiple attackers. He tried his best, but the kendo stick of Tomas, power of Hangman and technical skill of Demon were too much in the end.
Main Event, Senatorial Office Top Rank Determining Match
Cowboy Johnston w/ Hailey Comet vs. "Murder Train" Crusher Honda w/ Morgan "Midas" Matthews, Persephone, Irkalla
Honda started things off here taking the fight to the Cowboy, landing basic strikes and countering his attacks. Midas Matthews gave her a chair and ran an early interference storm with his associates, but it seemed more that Honda's ground game was keeping her ahead. A set of gutbusters only seemed to further her dominance, and at the eight minute mark, things were looking bad for the reigning ace. A Murder Crush at ten minutes was no sold, but only helped continue the downward spiral for the all too methodical Cowboy. He found himself gassed and on the ropes, and an opportune throw to the outside helped him gain his bearings back at thirteen minutes. A big cross chop seemed to help Cowboy after eating several Northern Lights Bombs, but an Amarillo Sunset struck back...only for Midas to distract, and kept distracting when Honda hit a huge head drop on a chair. The Red River Spiral and Borderline Breaker both met the same fate. A Murder Crush nearly won the match for Honda at 24 minutes, and she escaped several lariat pins by help of distraction. Around 32 minutes, a horrible beatdown took place with all of Golden Touch joining in, with all three members relentlessly kicking away at Johnston. However, as soon as they returned to the ring, when all seemed lost, Cowboy managed to hit another Red River Spiral, and finally managed to gain an undistracted three count for the best match in the history of the Office!
Grudge War
Mina Fitsharris vs. Juliette Erving
The war began slowly, with the two trading basic strikes, and an early Midnight Special took it into second gear at five minutes, but unfortunately for Mrs. Fitsharris, it seemed to jump start Erving, who hit several series of running lariats, stabbed her with the fork, hit a piledriver, and knocked her out cold with the Conclusion. A definitive finish that seemed to come all too early.
Stanford Bradley vs Wataru Nakajima
Wataru Nakajima caught Stanford before he could run away again, and started their match. The Patriarch took no mercy on his weenieish foe, crushing him on his feet, on the mat, wherever he could catch him. But it was not as one sided as one would expect, as Bradley's training seems to have paid off, allowing him to stay in the ring far longer than most would expect, even pulling off a dreaded groin claw. A chair illusion got tossed away by the ZIP veteran, and then happened again several more times in a row. Bradley finally started fading around the 20(!!) minute mark as he gassed out and Nakajima repeatedly spiked him on his head. Finally, the Patriarch had enough, jabbing Stanford out of a microphone rant, and hitting the Nakajima Special to put Bradley away for good!
Desert Apocalypse
"Apocalyptic Warrior" Masa Tokugawa vs. "Desert Mirage" Ibrahim Rahman w/ Stanford Bradley
This one started with the striking competence of Masa giving him a solid edge on his technician foe. For much of the first ten minutes, Masa crushed Rahman in the standup, hitting the Apocalypse Knee for a near fall, and almost hitting a second one. As the match went on, Rahman's technical brilliance got him back into the momentum of things, and a huge flurry actually got him a big comeback win.
Sign of the Southern Rednecks
Neon Knights(Supernaut, Holy Diver) vs. Redneck Warriors(Jimmy Jack Walker, White Trash)(ZIP Japan)
Jimmy Jack Walker wasted no time getting to the cartwheels, throwing Holy Diver out of the ring twice to do them, but Supernaut had no part of that game as soon as he tagged in. White Trash approached the match confidently as he stepped into Office territory. A big standing shooting star press was enough to bring Diver back in, just in time to face Walker. The Drunken Master of Redneck-Fu landed some solid kicks, but found himself grounded far too often for his liking. As the match went on, White Trash took the surprising measure of pulling out a barbed wire bat as the teams brawled around the outside. The two workhorses through the middle portion were Diver and Walker, both continually testing each other, and Diver continually finding an edge. Finally, around twenty minutes, White Trash reentered the fray, nearly getting Diver with a flip driver in the wrong corner, and surviving some strong offence from Supernaut. Walker, after tagging back in had some serious trouble with Supernaut, but also managed to get some of his own offence off, taking the match into the half hour mark, getting Diver back in and hitting a big Hangover Cutter, twice in a row. He avoided a Holy Diving Headbutt, cartwheeled, got hit by another, kicked out, kicked out of yet another diving headbutt, and eventually whiffed a corner spot, but then ended up pinning Diver. Supernaut made a quick save, with Diver then pinning Walker for the win.
United Kingdom vs Dominican Republic
Poison Froggy Mask vs. The Union Jack(Fully Charged Wrestling)(Timberwolf)
The pace was fast from the start, with these two nitro charged junior heavies wasting no time to ramp up the speed. Poison's submission game seemed to be the difference maker early on. As the match continued, Union Jack used his solid fundamentals to set up his own counter attack, including a big diving leg drop in the mix. A big cross body was evaded at the last minute by Jack, but a second one connected. A big backflip kick gave Jack a chance to return, and after taking a series of diving stomps, he hit the big swanton to take a big comeback win!
Match of the Night: Cowboy Johnston vs. Crusher Honda
(Absolutely the best match in the history of the Office, and describing it doesn't do it justice. Cowboy Johnston proved with this performance that he is not just the undisputed #1 ranked member of the Office, but is a legend in the making.
Performer of the Night: Wataru Nakajima/Cowboy Johnston
(While outsiders cannot generally receive this award, Nakajima earned it through his incredible fortitude, making it past the Bath Salts Zombie on night 1, and thrilling the crowd with an improbably good match against Stanford Bradley the next night. Cowboy Johnston does get a secondary bit of recognition here for his own incredible performance.)